do you ever wonder why

i'm laughing with a group of friends one second; but two seconds later i have a distant look in my eyes; three seconds later i have no track of the conversation; four seconds later i wish i was anywhere but there; five seconds later i'm forcing the smile back on my face pretending i know what's going one, when really i'm too caught up with all the thoughts in my broken head.

I always told myself I wouldn’t be like this.

I would be fine; I wouldn’t fall into these traps. But I may have this time. I read this and the words are screaming my name. Delete the meaning of this and just put my name by it and it would make sense. Why, why, why? This is your god damn fault, you broke me. No not a person. This world. It’s eaten away at me like a virus. Taking me slowly till finally I am too weak to do anything about it and just take it. I am weak.

i was using my friend's tumblr and came across this.

why i want to lose weight.

because i want to look cute with a belly ring.

because i want to look good in that little black dress.

because i want a cute butt.

because i want to sit down and have my stomach still be flat.

because i don't want to have a muffin top.

because i want a successful before and after picture.

because i want someone to think i'm attractive.

because i want to have confidence.

I guess you can say I like him.

I mean I smile whenever he texts me and I look forward to seeing him. But it’s one of those situations where you aren’t very attatched yet. You’re dreading the moment you fall for him because when you do you’ll start to expect shit. And when shit doesn’t happen, your heart starts to break. No one wants a broken heart.

I want to

-stay up late till 3 am talking on the phone with you.

-text you all day without the conversation dying.

-get to know you like no one else has.

-go with you to all of your favorite places.

-cuddle up on the couch late on a friday night and watch movies.

-fall asleep with you.

-hold your hand.

-be there for you when you need somebody the most.

-be the one you open up to.

-I want to be that girl you fall in love with.

I see a pretty girl.

I look at her photo and stare at it for a while. Then I start to compare myself. I detail to myself about how much better she looks in so many ways. Fuck, I know it’s not good, but I can’t help it. It’s all out of envy. That’s when I start to lose confidence in myself.

I'm the kinda girl that may be mad at you,

but will still want you to call me to say good night. The kidna girl that doesn't give up on someone I care about. The kinda girl that will stick with you through thick and thin. Even if it hurts me.

I can’t promise you a perfect relationship

without arguments over our differences and trust issues, however, I can promise you as long as you’re trying I’m staying.

This.

"Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You’re deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who broke your heart. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you. "

We all screw things up,

I screw things up. Especially with the people I love. I get needy, I get moody, I get distant, I want to be too close. I get confused; I don’t understand all of it. But I keep pushing because I hope in this thing, the universe, there’s no way I’m the only person out there who wants something this bad. If I want it, someone else out there must too.

No, I am not okay.

I'm exhausted. Life is exhausting. Caring for people is exhausting. And thinking you lost someone you deeply cared about?

Well, that's the most exhausting thing of all.

Because maybe he's gonna be the one who saves me.

It’s been awhile since I have felt like this. I am not really sure if it’s real or if it’s infatuation. I want it to work out though. I really do.

I sometimes wish we had our own world where no one would judge us. Makes things less complicated. People make things harder and complicated. Sometimes I wish that isn’t a fact. We all just have to be strong.

If you're going to fall in love with me,

it's only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I'm with you, the way I'll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You're falling in love with the occasionally humorous or thought-provoking things I say. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

I don’t think it’ll change.

No, I’m not going to lose feelings for you. No, I’m not going to find someone better than you. No, I’m not going to cheat on you. And no, I’m not going to leave you. I’ve already made up my mind, I want you and only you. No one else. Because to me, you’re kind of perfect.

I want to be the girl.

That’s always on your mind. The one you can’t get enough of. I want to be the girl you have your eyes set on. I want to be the girl you hold tight. I want to be the girl you stay on the phone with or text all day. But most importantly, i want to be yours. And i want you to be mine.

Single.

I’m single because I just want to do me. It’s easier than getting “played”. It keeps people from hurting me. I get bored quick. I get annoyed easily. I don’t really stay the same person you meet in the beginning of the friendship. You won’t like all sides of me. I want what I can’t have and don’t want what I can have. I’m indecisive. I’m picky. My standards are high and I’m not gonna lower them anytime soon for anyone. I don’t like the feeling of someone liking me and I don’t like them back. I’ll feel forced to like them back. I don’t like the feeling of me liking someone and they like someone else. I’d just rather be single. It’ll just save everyone and myself the trouble, the pain, etc. I don’t need the pressure of letting people down gently or the pressure of having to like someone back. I’ll just do me for now.

People's bullshit and fakeness

are the main reasons why I like ot be alone.

What worse than finding out he has no interest in you?

Not knowing where you stand.

If you know he has no interest, you have the key to move on

Not knowing where you stand gives you false hope

Gives you something to hold on to and something to let go of.

It leaves you on a leash, but you don’t know how long that leash can be.

Your too scared to make a move, cause you dont want to seem obsessive

You want to make a move, to show that your interested

Every sweet thing he says gives you butterflies

Every turn down shatters your world

You keep checking your phone every minute until he replies

He sends you kisses, you take it to heart. He means nothing by it

You remember that kiss, that one night stand, craving for that touch just one more time

You dream about him

You dream about making love to him

You see other girls with him and you wonder if he treats them the same

You get jealous. a lot

You imagine conversations in your head that would somehow lead you to forever after

You start listening to his music, watching his movies, hoping that by you having the same taste as he might make you a perfect match

Every song you hear somehow relates to him

Your mind, simply, WILL NOT REST

Think twice before judging my actions.

It’s not about the peer pressure. It’s not about being a complete rebel. It’s not about looking cool or trying to fit in with everyone. To be honest, I don’t even know why I do this shit. I made a promise to myself that I would never get involved or even come close to trying it. So what do I do? I try it. Multiple times, actually. When all these people ask me ongoing questions about why I do it, I’m speechless. For those awkward seconds of silence, I become a little ashamed to even be in my own skin since it’s not necessarily something I want to brag about. I don’t expect people to understand because their not going to even bother trying to comprehend the words I throw at them anyway.

Let me break it down for you. For just one night, you get this chance to forget about all your problems and live in the moment. You begin to not care about things that never really mattered in the first place. You don’t hold yourself back on taking risks, you just end up doing it. You get to escape without heading too far away from where you are now. I can’t really explain it. While some may be addicted to the drug, I’m addicted to the adrenaline. Go ahead and call me a bad influence. I’ll show you what it looks like to not give a fuck.

I fuck up a lot.

I make mistakes. I don’t know what I want. I’m bipolar. I fight about everything. I cuss about everything. Sometimes I get mad over the littlest shit. I am a total bitch when it comes down to it. I push people away. I say things I don’t mean. I hate. I love. I do things I wish I never did. But whatever I do, no matter what I do, I LEARN. For every thing I take a risk for, I learn. And without experience, I would have never been where I am at today, and never be as strong as I am today. Please do not tell me what I did wrong, who I did wrong .. because I ALREADY know. Sue me for being a got damn human being. I am not perfect, and I don’t live to anyone’s expectation but myself. I am me, that’s all I’ll ever be.

obsessions.

do you ever get that feeling wanting something and thinking of all these possibilities or schemes on how to get it? like you come up with all these plans, or things that might occur and all of a sudden you become so blind to everything else? it’s like you won’t stop until you get it. you start to examine everything, the things he says, body language, or how he looks at you. you take every little thing into consideration that all of a sudden the bell rings for your next period and you are suddenly struck with dissapointment because some how it felt like the shortest class in history. now it’s become an obsession. but yet, you know nothing about him. the only thing you probably know is his name, school, super sexy car, and that he’s extremely good looking. you don’t know his interests, opinions, or if he has any siblings, things like that. so if you don’t know any of these things about him, what’s really caught your eye? is it him? or the thought of him?

this is my dillemma. i’m afraid that i’m only after the catch. i always mistake lust for love, and i really don’t want another bullshit relationship. but it’s just so damn fun the way you look at each other, the flirting, the smiles. Fuck, I can’t help myself.

i'm just a fucked up girl

looking for my own piece of mind, i'm not perfect.

i'm in love ;)

with adam's car. oh damn, fucking crazy night in that.

I can be the nicest,

most down to earth person you know or I can be a huge bitch in your face. It all depends on how you start the conversation and how it ends up playing out. Your call.

i don't need a break from life.

i need a break from people and their expectations.

Talking to somebody about my problems won’t do much,

if it’s not the right person that I need to talk to.

take a bow.

you spend a lot of time

convincing people that you're happy inside

but i see through

yeah i see through the lies

youre wearing your disguise

and everyone's just doing what you do

PICTURE PERFECT FACES

convincingly done

they're out to catch a

yellow bellied

red blooded

lady with a shotgun

point it at your followers

and run.

well you got it all

wrong.

take a bow.

they're watching you

why and how?

i'll never know

you... (can't have it)

ooooh... (can't have it)

strike a pose

and make it pretty

slide the note under the door

just sit back

enjoy the view

he'll drag you to the ground

when nobody's around

and take a sign to turn you black and blue

PICTURE PERFECT FACES

convincingly done

they're out to catch a

yellow bellied

red blooded

lady with a shotgun

point it at your followers

and run.

well you got it all

wrong.

take a bow

they're watching you

why and how?

i'll never know

you... (can't have it)

ooooh... (can't have it)

red blooded

yellow bellied

lady with a

SHOT GUN

take a bow

they're watching you

why and how?

i'll never know

you... (can't have it)

ooooh... (can't have it)

take a bow

take a bow

take a bow

a bow.

The worst feeling isn't being lonely.

In fact, I don't mind being lonely. I'd prefer it. Being forgotten by someone you can't forget, though. That's down right painful.

you've found a million ways to let me down

so i'm not hurt when you're not around.

I’m having a hard time.

I’m a mess. I’m all torn up inside, tired of it all. I’ve been through too much, in so little time. I don’t know when, but one of these days, I’m going to explode. It’ll all come out. The bottled up feelings and unspoken words will be open and spoken. Right now, life ain’t so great. Sometimes, I just want to go away. Get away from this disaster, I call life, and just live an easier one. Drama free; no bullshit. I thought I could do this on my own, make it better and all that stuff… I’ve reached my limits. Hell, I’ve passed my limits. I feel vulnerable. Go ahead and attack me, it won’t do any harm, though. Nah, there’s nothing you can say or do to break me. What I’ve already been through, has made me stronger. Yeah, I’m tired, but that doesn’t mean anything. I’m not giving up on shit, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’ve reached passed my limits, but that’s only the beginning. I will go evern further, if I have to. And I said I felt vulnerable, not that I was vulnerable. Like I said before, attack me. Trust me, you have no idea what you’re up against.

it’s like you have the perfect shit to say,

it fucks up my whole day i thought these feelings went away i hate getting messages from you, i hate the shit you do. but i still text you back saying i miss you too.

i'm starting to feel like i can't carry on the way i am.

i've tried really hard to get through everything and overcome whats happening, but i realize tonight that i can't. i just can't carry on with a life like this. i don't know how to change it, i've tried so hard but everytime it changes, it get worse. it feels like if i'm happy, my happiness is immediately removed, im scared to be happy. im scared of who makes me happy as well, because someone who makes me happy can easily make me just as unhappy.

my self esteem is lower than it has ever been, and its low already. i just sit and wish that i was someone else sometimes, thats unobtainable. if i could, i would change everything about me. people can be nasty about me but what they dont realize is that i already know what they're saying is true. i dont need to be told. i know i have huge cheeks, i know my hair is flat, i know that i'm fat, i know that i don't dress impeccably, i know that im not beautiful, i know i talk too much, i know i say incredibly dumb things, i know i contradict most of the things i say, i know i'm hard to love, i know i push people away, i know i talk about myself excessively, i know i can come accross as harsh when im just being truthful, i know im a pretty awful person. i dont need to be told. i know it all. people dont realise i hide behind a lot of myself and really want someone to see through it all.

i thought i had gotten past everything but clearly i really haven't, but no one can ever be here to say stop. and thats what i need, so much. i need something to show me i'm worth something before i start believing it. i feel so unloved and unappreciated. i spent so much time loving and appreciating, but i've exhausted it all.

i have no faith anymore. i dont know what to do. im scared.

I’m always fucking things up big time.

I don’t wanna be remembered for my mistakes. I’d rather be forgotten. I need to get a grip, but I just can’t seem to. My head is ringing.

selfish, but true.

we like people not so much for how we feel about them, but for how they make us feel

Everyone’s been asking me why

I bounced back so quickly after him, & that’s because I had to show everyone that he didn’t break me. He doesn’t deserve to give himself that much fucking credit.

And that was it.

All this buildup to a great leap, and I didn't fall or fly. Instead I found myself back on the edge of the cliff, blinking, wondering if I'd ever jumped at all. It's not supposed to be like this.

You see that girl staring into space?

If you were to ask what’s wrong, she would say nothing, when in reality it’s everything. She’s sitting there wondering what she did wrong, what she could have done differently, how she would have changed it if she had the chance. And if she had the chance to go back and do it over again, would it end with the same result? That’s why she stares.

why are you in my life?

all you do is make me feel on edge and unhappy.

I don't know

where the artificial stops and the real begins.

I feel so bad when I push people away, but I can’t help it.

I’ve made so many amazing friends and I know that we can become closer than just acquaintances, but my trust issues keep holding me back from that. I feel like a horrible friend for not constantly checking up on them like I should. I know I can be a great friend at times because people have told me that something about me made them want to open up to me. They told me that I help them through so much and trust me, I’m so happy that I do. It’s just that with my past and everything I went through, it’s difficult for me to get too close to anyone. I’m sorry for being a bad friend. They know I care, I just can’t show it often for reasons that I can’t even understand myself. It’s hard for me to open up the way they can open up to me and I feel like I’m not giving them the 50-50 friendship that they deserve when I’m so protective of myself.

I’m one of those girls

that doesn’t want to feel needed, but wants to feel wanted.

You say, “I dont want to lose you.”

But then you say, you’re not gonna be here waiting for me. & That you’re not gonna chase after me. So, do you really not want to lose me?

speechless.

"Look, you’re in high school, you’re young, you’re a freshman. You have tons to experience, and boys shouldn’t matter. Instead of dealin’ with all this bullshit, drop it. Move on and look forward to better things. If a nigga is makin’ you emo, then fuck his life. He’s nothing. Don’t give up on love either. You’re a beautiful young lady who anyone would love to be with. You just haven’t found the right person. But don’t go looking for that right person. Wait, be patient, and something will come along."

I’m so tired of being tired.

Why can’t I just get away for the weekend so I can forget that I was so tired of life and love and people and family and stress and the feeling of a bad feeling and guilt and everything.

I swear,

once you see my friends, you'll see I'm the unattractive one.

how can you like me? i don't even like me.

i have problems with trust, commitment, finishing things, remembering important stuff, overreacting, being a hypocrite, i can't ever sleep, i have mood swings, and i'm very insecure.

If I had the option,

to take pills and pills and drink so much alcohol that my liver would run away from my body, to smoke until I couldn’t feel, couldn’t think, couldn’t care, trust me, I would. I wouldn’t give it a second thought. If it meant not being able to feel or think, even for just a while, I wouldn’t hesitate one bit. Nobody knows what those monsters in your head can do to you, they claw and scratch trying to come out, and you fight so hard to keep them in because you know if they come out that it wouldn’t be pretty. After a while feeling and putting on a fake smile all by yourself and crashing alone, isn’t worth it in the end. Not feeling is just so much more easier.

Sometimes, Its always easier to say you don’t care.

Instead of explaining every reason why you really do.

I think most people ask how you’re doing,

just so they can tell you how they are. None of them really give a shit. Chances are, they just want you to smile and say everything is fine so they can talk about themselves. No one really gives a fuck about how you’re actually feeling.

I like guys who are motivated.

The fact that they already have good plans for their future is comforting. It shows that they’re going somewhere in life. They’re not the type of guys who just go, “oh, fuck this.. I don’t give a fuck.” & only focuses on partying and just having fun. I mean, they could have fun & party, and all of that. But there’s a time for fun and a time to be serious. Hopefully they know the difference.

I know I should talk to you and ask you how you’re doing.

And I really wish I could. But it has just occurred to me that we’re strangers now. You don’t know me anymore, much less want to, and it’s okay that you’ve moved on. I know that everything’s different now. I’ve been staying strong.

I don’t understand

how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it’s easier than working things out.

I will always be there for my friends.

But at times I wished they noticed that I needed the same help in return.

pointblankperiod.

• “No wonder why you’re single.”
• “Why are you going out with ____?”
• “You can do better”

That’s straight disrespectful. You don’t know a person’s life story and what they do. Their choices are their choices. if it was a mistake then they’ll learn from it cause everybody gets hurt. Opinions like that are unwanted when it comes to someone fighting for something/someone they love. Like Momma said “if you dont have anything nice to say then dont say it at all.”

i had to.

I hope you wake up one morning and be like -

"Damn, I miss her."

I've got a fake smile on my face

and many people seem to smile back. They probably believe that I'm happy. Either that or they just don't care that I'm not.

Eventually broke down today.

Then started beating the shit out of my room.

Why does everything in my life just fuck up?

Like the slightest things irritate me. I hate people. Their voices. Their presence. Their breathing.

I hate summer.

Everyone is too happy and the weather isn't even fucking good.

It doesn't make sense. By this logic, everyone should be happy in winter too. But they're not. Everyone in winter- "IT'S TOO COLD. I WANT SUMMER."

I ignore texts.

I let the phone ring. I log off of Facebook chat. It’s nothing personal, but people need to realize that sometimes I just don’t want to talk.

not gonna lie.

I don’t like sharing friends (x When I have a really close friend that my other friends don’t know about, i would like it to stay that way. Because who knows, say if they met and they suddenly clicked and got super close; closer then me and that person, it’s like I been replaced. And that person would rather talk to them than me :P Sorry if that’s selfish.

looking back,

my lifestyle has changed drastically all because I'm unwell.

i used to want to look beautiful even if i was only going to the shop, i used to go out most evenings with so many people, i used to talk to and like everyone, i used to not let boy hang-ups get to me, i was the strongest person i knew. i literally battled through every insult and bad news to keep myself going.

now i don't recognize myself in the mirror most of the time. i have good days and bad days. on the good days i still don't recognize myself. I'm paranoid about how i look, and if everyone will notice things about me are different. i find it hard to express myself to anyone, and when i do I'm scared of how they will react. I'm really scared all the time. I've become defensive. i cut myself off from so many people who i know aren't good for me, leaving me with very few people in my life. i hardly go out anymore; I've realized hardly anyone in my life is a true friend. well, really, no one is.

I've never felt so alone in all my life; no matter what i do i just get more and more scared that it ll feel like this forever. what if it is like this forever. i just don't know.

i wish i meant something to someone, i really do. it would make this a hell of a lot easier, feeling like i don't belong to anyone or anything makes this so much harder for me to get through. but I've realised, I'm not that important to anyone; even my most closest friends, they'd let their egos and ignorance come between us. and what does that leave me with? it leaves me with no one.

It sucks, you know.

When everything is doing fine then, it all crashes again?

And the worst part is, I really don't want to try and put it all back together again, but I have to.

I'm a realist.

I'm a romantic.

I'm an indecisive piece of shit.

I hate feeling like I’m some sort of back up plan,

or a second thought. Honestly, some people only appreciate you more when you’re about to leave, walk out, when you’re sincerely fed up with everything. But once they get you back, they get the satisfaction for a bit, and then start caring less, start appreciating you less because they think you’ll always stay. Well, that isn’t always true. Appreciate someone while they are still there, not when they’re gone.

i have 3 lives:

1) my own.

2) the one that haters make up.

3) the one that my parents think that i have.

i miss being able to call someone "baby"

i miss being wanted, i miss kisses and hugs, i miss always having someone to talk to, i miss holding hands, i miss the company, i miss our relationship, i miss you.

Please.

I want to be desired, I want to be interesting, I want to travel the world with the drop of a hat, I want to go to great places, do good things and achieve everything that I set out to.

I want to be around people that are just like me but different, to find love and happiness to make the most of my youth and to not feel like I’m wasting it.

I just want to live. I don’t want to feel sour inside. I could shout at the top of my lungs and not be heard.

I just want someone to know without me having to tell them.

THERE HAS TO BE A PERSON IN THIS WORLD THAT I CAN RELATE TO.

No one understands

how much hurt and anger I have bottled up inside of me. I can't take it sometimes. I'm way too young to be this frustrated with my life.

it's none of your business.

I don’t care what you’ve heard, what you think about the situation, it’s not your place to have a say. Every side has their story. And might I add, you’ve only heard from one.

Love?

Love, love, love.

What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.

So here's the truth.

I still think about you 24/7. I still wake up thinking I would still have you in my life. I still sit there and think about everything that happened between us. I really don’t want to, but things just remind me of you. Of us. Do I still want you? I don’t know. Do I wish we would have done things differently? No. Why? Because when it all comes down to it I did have the best time ever. Despite the fighting. I still, to this very day, never get why I gave you a million chances and you never actually gave me the time a day. I did pick fights with you, but I wanted to see if you “loved” me enough to put up with it. Yeah, maybe I went overboard sometimes. You just were so quick to give up. You weren’t the one who had to go through all the doubts and second thoughts whether or not you’re telling the truth, I did. And after a while, I didn’t know what to believe. It was really hard. I wanted to believe you, but everyone else thought differently. You didn’t even know. Even if we were good and happy I would still be paranoid that the next day you would change your mind and do something stupid because you couldn’t have the same feeling for longer than an hour. Yes, I always thought about the negative, but that was only to protect myself. Thinking of the worst case scenario could help me not get hurt when something bad did happen. When you really look at it, I sat there and watched you fuck up your life because I was so into thinking you’ve changed so I put a blind eye on every wrong fucking decision you made.

Like honestly who was there for you all the time? Who would wake up at 3 in the morning just to hear your voice and what you had to say? I was there to listen when you were going through horrible things with your family. I always tried to understand why you were being moody. I always forgave you for everything. I mean I could never be mad at you in the first place, but still. Who was always there? Although I was there for you, I always second-guessed that you were never serious when you told me you loved me, that I was pretty much why you even try in school or anything really, and that you were scared to lose me. I guess I did fight with you a lot to see if there was back up to those empty promises. The sad part about all of this was I thought you were gonna be different with me. I actually did somehow believe everything you said. I remember everything and it’s really sad that I do. I don’t know anymore.

I believe one of the toughest situations

you can be ever faced with is deciding whether you should just move on or hold on a little tighter. Move on, and maybe you’ll lose a chance at the best thing that could have ever happened, or hold on and have the possibility of your heart being broken. And unfortunately, i have to make this decision.

Have you ever been angry or sad,

to the point where you just break down at home in your room? Your parents don't know because you keep the tears to yourself, and you cry silently. Your friends don't know because you talk as if you're fine and dandy. Well you're not fine and dandy, and you know it. No one really knows how you feel and they have their own lives to deal with, so you don't bother telling them. You bottle it up and store it with the other problems or troubles.

I’ve made mistakes in my life.

I’ve let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve. But, I’ve learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I’ll know better next time and I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.

Dont get involved with me.

I’d toy with your emotions and I can break your heart within a blink of an eye. I wouldn’t even mean to.. sometimes I just.. do that. I’d tease you, not sexually, but emotionally, which will suck for you. Some days we won’t even speak. Sometimes, I won’t reply to you right away. I’ll keep you on your toes, but not for too long. I’d push you away occasionally, but I can reel you back in, in about ten seconds. What’s even more messed up is.. I know how it feels to be treated this way.

This year went by so fast.

I think I remember what I was doing a year from now. It’s absolutely different from what I thought. Wish time would slow down just a little...

Why is it that

the bad memories are the ones you remember the most clearly, with every single detail, as if it happened yesterday,

& The good memories are the ones that you try so hard to remember?

Just because you like something, doesn’t automatically make it better than what everybody else likes.

Get over yourself and respect other people’s opinions.

Trust me, I know how it feels.

I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you, waiting for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart, for everything to hurt so bad you just want it all to end. I know exactly how it feels.

i like how sleeping next to someone

means more than sex sometimes. it’s the body’s way of saying “i trust you to be by my side at the most vulnerable time.” you have no defenses when you’re asleep, you tell no lies.

i don’t know what to do anymore;

with my life, with myself, with anything. i miss how everything used to be. why did i have to screw everything up?

not every girl wants to be in a relationship.

some just want good company, a guy to vibe with, converse with, & laugh with. not in a rush. start off simple, and let the rest find itself. having someone to talk to and feeling comfortable around them is quite beautiful, and it’s a good feeling.

It baffles me how anyone could love me.

But I'm so infinitely grateful to the people who know me and still love me even through my ups and downs, and it's for them I'm trying to make myself a better person, worthy of their love. And in turn, I am trying to show them how grateful I am by talking more and expressing my feelings. I have a bit of a problem with that.

I'm 15.

I don't understand everything, but sometimes I'll pretend that I do. Yes, I'll roll my eyes and my vocabulary is broader than you think... I'll make mistakes more than once and I won't listen to you. I have a hard time making my way through life. I'm not perfect and I'm not gonna apologize for that.

Even though I know it's over,

I still stare at that phone wishing it would ring. I want you to call and tell me it's not over for you either... That you made a huge mistake. But who am I kidding? You're doing fine while I sit here and wonder. Every time I think of how easy it was for you to walk away, I die a little more inside. But it's whatever. I don't even know what I'd do if you actually did call. After all, I had my reasons as to why I wanted to know where our relationship stood. Unfortunately, that ended up to the "break" which we both know is permanent. No more "us" even in the fall.

Ha, this. When we were still together.

She thinks about you non-stop, and you’re all she talks about. When she talks to you she always has that bright smile, and truly looks happy. With one hug you make her melt and always leave her with butterflies and at the same time, when she’s upset your usually the reason. But she refuses to see any flaws in you. And no matter how many people try to tell her different, she believes your perfect for her and worth every second of the wait, and she’s too scared to tell you any of this because she doesn’t want to mess anything up. And doesn’t want to end up hurt, once more.

too bad i did get hurt.

I never wanted to become another girl you had a "thing" with.

I never wanted to be someone you used to know. I never wanted to see you look at another girl the way you used to look at me. I want to be the girl you fall in love with and never find another girl to replace. I want to be the girl you grow up with and share the best memories with. I want to stay as the girl who everyone thinks you're going to end up marrying because of how perfect we are together. I honestly thought we would last, I thought wrong.

My parents don’t even know the real me.

They don’t know how many tears I’ve cried. How many nights I spent waiting for a call. How many times I’ve been hurt by some stupid boy. They don’t know that their “little princess” has grown up.

Just because

I don’t want to hang out with you and your new best friend and her friends , doesn’t mean you both have the right to flip out on me. I know them well enough to know that they’re not the kinda people I’d chill with. Bottom line, you can’t make me like them, be friends with them, let alone hang out with them. So do us all a favor and take your head out of your ass and realize that you can’t push me to become friends with people I don’t like.

bet.

you probably won't remember half the things i'll never forget.

Sometimes, you have to try not to care,

no matter how much you do. Because, sometimes, you mean nothing to someone who means everything to you.

This should be the every guy’s bible.

“i promise i’ll be a good man. that i’ll always listen, to every word that you may say. no i won’t neglect you, but only respect you, and give you the love that you need, babe. please say that you love me. please say that i’m everything to you. please say that you miss me. as much as i miss you. now baby, believe me. i gotta be everything to you. and baby just trust me. i swear this is the truth.”

Damn,

I'm mistaken for a flirt when I'm friendly.

I'm mistaken for a bitch when I'm frank.

I'm mistaken for sad when I'm quiet.

Quit assuming and get to know me.

Even though I've "stopped liking you,"

every time someone mentions your name, my head turns right towards them. It's like every time I hear it, I think of all that we could have had and all that could have happened that didn't.

When people are complimenting me,

I feel like all they're doing is feeding me lies.

I never believe it. Whether or not it's in real life or online. They just bounce off. I mean at first, it's like yay, and then later it just fades into nothing. I still feel insecure in my own skin.

Transition.

"In middle school, people asked you for gum or candy. But in high school, people ask if you have a lighter or a cigarette. There's no more little kid parties with Kool Aid and soda; those little parties turn into kickbacks and full on house parties with beer and hard alcohol. You transition from riding bikes to driving cars and taking things past innocent kisses. You start to see the differences in people around you and suddenly you're not friends because of color or money. Pain goes from tripping while playing jump rope to having your heart broken by someone you thought you loved. The innocence is gone and you can't get it back."

I think Santa Clarita is such a shady city that all of this happens in middle school.

The down sides of being very:

Cute: No one takes you seriously.

Hot: Everyone just wants to fuck you.

Attractive: People will like you based on your looks.

Sweet: You have the highest potential to be put in the "friend" category.

Funny: Everyone expects you to make them laugh. Nothing more.

Fact: Parents

call their children ignorant yet they won't take the time of day to listen to how their children feel or what they have to say.

At our age, we have no voice no matter what we say.

Having to go through all this is just painful.

I hate talking to an ex and feeling what we used to have is still there, but we both believe that we've moved on.

“Woman's happiness begins with her first love and ends about then”

Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it's the only person who will ever receive all of you. After that, you learn better. But, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved - a piece no future lover could ever get, no matter what. That piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, the one kiss you'll never forget, and that night under the stars you can never get back. It holds youth and everything you thought love would be, everything that was proven wrong.

I hate the fact that

we ignore each other for so long, then you start talking to me like nothing happened. And by saying the simplest things, you make me smile. Then I realized, shit, you still have that effect on me.

Little did I know,

you were just another dead end road, paved with pretty lies and broken dreams.

I can't wait until

I don't give a fuck about you anymore. Until then I will continue to lie about not giving a fuck about you anymore.

"What I want is to be needed.

What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."

-Chuck Palahniuk

i fail at relationships honestly.

• i worry too much
• i get jealous
• i get mad easily
• i’m always thinking what if.

it just gets so frustrating at times and i don’t know what to do so i get stuck or i either get mad and say something i really don’t mean & that just fucks me over

Endless.

One blessing, yet a curse. This is all coming from a sober mind, so please do not take this as drunk/high mumble jumble. I am completely frightened and terrified at my ability to move on so undeniable quickly. It’s almost like lightning strikes when I’m going through the ever so normal state of being “upset”, but my mind leads to a different direction almost immediately, which pushes aside very potent emotions and feelings. It’s never enough, It’s never too much. It could really just be my subconscious trying to find ways to push thoughts aside temporarily, and then haunt me in the future, which is definitely damaging.

I can’t see myself in a serious relationship for awhile.

I think I’m more of a ‘casual-dater’ right now. I’m at a point in my life where a relationship is not my priority. I’d rather go out, meet tons of new people, and get closer to the friends I already have. I love my life exactly how it is at the moment. I don’t want to be tied down to one guy. Of course it’s nice having someone to date, but the whole commitment thing isn’t exactly for me right now. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not like whore-ing it up or anything. I’m just enjoying life.

On the real, I have nothing against serious relationships. I just don’t think my lifestyle right now would be conducive to one.

Lately,

I get very dark moods for no reason. Nothing in particular brings it on. You can be having the best time of your life and yet you’re utterly and totally miserable. I get very anti-social, depressed and irritable with people. I don’t have time for them. I can’t make phone calls and stuff. I just sit on my own for days.

There’s something about music that calms your soul.

The song starts and you let the beat play into your ears slowly down to your feet which are tapping along with every rhythm. You close your eyes, listen to the music, and let the lyrics flow within your mind. Your body relaxes and for a moment, everything seems to be okay.

Sometimes I wish I could just scream.

Scream until my voice is hoarse with sadness. Sometimes, I just wish I could laugh the whole day, nothing to worry about. Sometimes, I wish I could cry on someone’s shoulder, telling them everything, my hopes, my dreams, my faults, my fears, my horribly fucked up life. But I’m too afraid of the consequences to let anyone know, so I keep it to myself and just go through the motions of daily life.

I miss talking to certain people, just for the hell of it.

There’s just not enough time in the world for this or something... At times, I think to myself “What happened?” But then I realize the answer is quite simple, time happened.

I hate this.

It's over, and I have the weirdest feeling that despite what you said, things will never be the same again.

I realized

The friends I thought were my friends aren't my friends. I've been losing a lot of friends this year. I realized that they aren't interested in me or being my friend. I'm not sure if I care or not. But I guess things happen for a reason.

Am I moving way too fast ?

It feels like I'm in crazy competition with the past.

But I just gotta ask, is anything I'm doing BrandNew.

Sometimes, you just can't

tell anybody how you really feel. Not because you don't know why. Not because you don't know your purpose. Not because you don't trust them. But because you can't find the right words to make them understand.

I guess I just got hurt.

Really hurt. And sometimes when that happens, something inside me just shuts off.

I gave you a hard time

only because I wanted to see if you were willing to put up with my bullshit. No matter how bad it was, just to be with me. I guess not.

Let's go back to the beginning.

When our love was something new. Back when romance was important, not just another thing to do.

I think we both know

We're never going to get back together. I'm done thinking we ever will. I;m done wishing for you back all the time. I'm just done thinking that you're the one im supposed to be with. Because i know deep down in my heart all you say is just going to fuck with my head and give me false hope.

What's the point of missing you?

If it’s not going to change anything right? Like it’s just a feeling that is slowly fading away, but painfully. I hate the feeling but a million girls have gone through this and made it out okay right? So shouldn’t i be okay by now. Why aren’t i over you yet. I get you meant more than A LOT, but I don’t think it’s normal to miss someone for this long. I mean it hasn’t been that long but still.

Don't act like you honestly had no clue

what type of guy he was, you know his lines were slick and used before, and you knew the girls he played. But what did you do? You dated him because you thought he would change.

They never do.

Things I Miss

• I miss your smile.
• I miss your kisses.
• I miss your hugs.
• I miss seeing you every day.
• I miss looking at your eyes.
• I miss teasing you.
• I miss holding your hands.
• I miss leaning on your shoulder.
• I miss messing with your hair.
• I miss being in your arms.
• I miss your laugh.
• I miss your silly jokes.
• I miss our good memories.
• I miss our late night phone calls.
• I miss your good night/good morning texts.
• I miss your voice.
• I miss it when you say “I Love You”.
• I can truly admit, I miss us.

a word can make a difference.

Love? In love?

A couple of days ago when I was talking to a friend of mine I realized something; that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love.

I have never experience love that was not platonic. Sure I’ve been attracted to someone before and if things go my way we might even start to date but I’ve always wondered how it felt like to be in love with someone. To share with someone a connection, a bond. I mean how can an individual be so attached to another? Seriously, isn’t it scary?

For a while, i thought i was in love but I had time to think it through and I must admit that I wasn’t. The thing was i love the thought that I was in love. I love the thought of taking a risk and relinquishing control to someone else. It hurt in the end but i knew it wasn’t going to last. But who knows.

I know I'm confusing people here but I just wanted to rant.

All I know that someday I want to meet that someone who will make me feel crazy about him. To be in love and to be in love back. Wouldn't you?

why i love my few guy best friends

1. He’s always there for you. He’s always online or near a phone ready to hear about your issues with your boyfriend or your girl best friend or anything. He’s just there when you need him.
2. He won’t steal your boyfriend away from you. Your girl best friend can , but he on the other hand , won’t. One less thing to worry about .
3. He acts like your older brother. If a guy tries hitting on you when he’s there, he’s ready to profile the guy. He will protect you from anybody and everything.
4. After you and your boyfriend break up. He will be there. He will be the one that will let you cry all over his shirt. He’s always gonna be there after your heart is broken.
5. He’s gonna give you guy advice. When you’re in need for some help with the guys , he will lend you some.
6. He will stay up late on the phone or webcam with you. Unlike your boyfriend who will fall asleep on you. He will stay up with you and accompany you throughout the night.
7. When you’re in the need for a hug , he’s there. He can give you the warmest hugs you’ll ever feel. Sometimes , he can hug you better than your boyfriend.
8. He can make you laugh or smile more than you’ll ever know.
9. He loves you. Loves you like you’re his little/big sister. He loves you a lot

it hurts.

Have you ever felt like you’ve been used? As if you’re a toy to be put aside after something new comes along. And then they come back because they realized that the new wasn’t as fun to play with as they previously thought.

But shit I'm not a toy. If you’re going to leave then leave! Don’t come back expecting things to be the same as before between us. I don’t do that. You chose her so be with her. I’m not hand-me-downs! And you have the nerve to talk about your relationship problems with me when you know i like you? Seriously? Do you think im numb as hell? I have feelings too. Don’t be an insensitive prick!

Am I not good enough?

I do not need a guy to complete me.

& I’m not going to disrespect myself by dressing like a prostitute to school everyday.

But I always wonder, am I not good enough? When it becomes between me and her… you choose the girl, the girl that flaunts herself like she’s a piece steak to everyone. You have a good personality, a comely appearance and yet you choose a girl that will never be faithful to you, I don’t know, maybe you don’t want that. & I’m going to sound like a complete loser but… everyday I wake up, I think of the perfect thing to wear because of you. I think of a million things to say to you and I get to nervous to say them. I think of you constantly all day. When you walk by, I stop, just to smell your smell & if I can’t be directly next to you, I’m always near you. It’s amazing how just one word or sentence you say makes my bad days quickly heal. But today, today I realize it’s all BS. All this mushy gush thinking, isn’t worth it. Because if you can’t see how good I or any other faithful girl out there would be to you, you’re not worth my time…Thing is, I just can’t stop.

what did you see in me anyways?

compared to the other girls you bagged, i’m nothing compared to them. they all have better personalities, better looking faces, better bodies. i kinda wonder; was it just ‘cos you had no one else to talk to?

I'm glad that I'm not in love with you anymore.

So glad. Because now I can go my own way and learn to be Miss Independent.

And with each passing day,

It breaks a little more. And yet, I'm not unhappy.

A single tear everyday. And yet, I'm not sad.

What happened to real friends?

I’ll be honest here, I don’t have many people I can call TRUE FRIENDS. Nor do I have that selected few to call my ride or die. Well wait I take that back I DOgenuinely have those 3 to 4 people I can say will always be there for me. As for the others that I wished would have stayed well, they come and go..Don’t get me wrong I’m immensely grateful for everyone and anyone that’s crossed paths with me and even grateful to those who are still somewhere wondering on my road. I have plenety of acquaintances, my daily “hi how are you’s”. And even then, it ultimately comes down to autonomy. ‘Cuz at the end of the day ur still all u really got.

I miss that special friendship bond, The friends I could always count on to be there for me. But somwhere down the line, “THAT LINE” gets cut and unfortunatley putting back the line isn’t so easy. I’m not saying a friendship goes wrong, just “keeping in touch” somehow becomes SUCH A HARD THING TO DO. Those people that you could always call at 3:00 in the morning, just happens to become your “oh whats up we neeed to catch up sometime”. Or somtimes we get those “close friends we haven’t seen or spoken to in awhile but when you do everything is kind of awkward” ohhh geez haha those are the worse. And its sad, we find so much time doing other things that probably takes up more time to do, but yet some of us can’t find that 5minutes in our days just to pick up the phone and to see how our friends our doing. Pardon my choice of words, but That’s BULLSHIT THERES ALWAYS TIME FOR EVERYTHING.

but I get it ya know? while that whole “when one person walks out another walks in”- I also believe that your friendships should matter just as much as your relationships. I’ve seen it, REAL friends can live on complete opposite sides of the earth but yet still find the time for eachother. But that doesn’t mean that just because someone is within reach, we should take them for granted. If we can devote so much of ourselves to our relationships, and put so much effort into nurturing them, there should be no reason we can’t do the same for our friendships. Afterall, it’s ur friends who were there before, during, and after ur relationships anyway”

Definitely one of my favorite movies. I’m craving to watch it.

“All I know is…you’re beautiful.” -Landon, A Walk to Remember.

Don't you hate it?

When one person is running through your mind every second of the day; It’s like they’ve taken over your mind and there’s no way stopping it. I mean what are you supposed to do anyway? All you can do is hope that you mean as much to them as they do to you. If not, call it a phase and get over it. That way you feel better about yourself and everyone wins.

Letting go.

Is a hard thing to do in life. And I mean this in every single way possible. Usually it gives you that bittersweet feeling. Letting go of your mommy’s hand to go to pre-k: You don’t want to let go of mommy but your opening yourself to an entire new world of words, numbers, learning, friends, and fun. Letting go of a significant other: You feel like the world is over but later realize that in letting go of him, he wasn’t even best for you; that it really wasn’t meant to be; & that you would have never found the right one without letting go. Letting go of your old life at home. Graduating; Moving to a whole new environment, leaving your friends, leaving your old life for a new one; experiencing college, a whole new life full of memories to regret and to love. Letting go makes you become who you are in this journey we call life. I need to make a step now, and let go. It’s bittersweet, but it’s life.

Seriously,

why do I even bother anymore? It’s like talking to a fucking brick wall. I get no good response in return. Ha, figures.

Ever have that person in your life that you can't just give up on,

The one person that can screw you over time after time yet you always seem to give them another chance, and no matter how many time you say this is their last one, you know it’s a lie because there’s always just one more waiting for them. the one person you know you’re better off without but yet you can’t find a way to let them go because deep down inside, you wouldn’t know what to do without them. The one person you know doesn’t deserve you but yet you choose to overlook it because you feel for them so much.

Tell a girl

she’s beautiful and she’ll believe it for a moment. Tell a girl she’s worthless and she’ll believe it for the rest of her life.

as more days go by, the possibility of ‘us’, seem to be

unreachable.

What am I doing.. What am I doing here?

Why am I pretending everything is alright. Why are we all just pretending? Don’t tell me you’re not because I know you’re tired of putting on that fake smile every morning before you leave the house. Don’t tell me that you’re “fine” because I know you’re not. I know you’re slowly dying inside and struggling to appear as if you aren’t. I know. Trust me, I know. It’s not something that’s easy to fix. But you know what I can do? What you can do? You can start by realizing that you are not alone. When you’re standing in front of that mirror wondering what your purpose in life is, you are not alone. When you’re crying with your hands curled into fists screaming at the air, you are not alone. When you don’t even care about getting soaked by the rain anymore because it actually helps you cope with your emotions, you are not alone. When your heart is in a pain so immense that nobody else seems to understand, you are not alone. That’s what you need to realize, what I need to realize. That we are not alone.

yeah i know it contradicts some of my posts, but it's true.

I love sleep.

Sleeping is good. Sleeping makes you forget those shitload of pain you’re feeling. Sleeping means drifting off to some other world. A world very different from yours. And somehow, after you wake up, you feel a lot better.

I can't make up my mind.

Anyone can give up, thats the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, thats true strength.

"You can try your hardest

You can do everything. and say everything. But sometimes, people aren’t worth trying over anymore. they aren’t worth worrying about. It’s important to know when to let someone go when they’re letting you down.”

I don't know what to do.

"Do yourself and your heart a favor. Turn around and leave. It may not be what you want, but this shit is not what you deserve."

I'm doing fine.

I have gotten so good in pretendng I am doing fine, I'm starting to believe it myself.

I’m doing fine.

bittersweet

Second chances are unpredictable. It’s like putting your heart at risk once again for either something better and worthwhile ….or it could just be another opportunity to catch you off guard and break your heart into microscopic pieces again. The truth is, I’m scared. I’m beyond terrified of how things will turn out. I don’t trust you, but I'm willing to see where this goes. You’re one of the very few guys to ever sincerely apologize to me. I’m willing to give you another chance. Like I said…

This second chance could either make us or break us.

The most unattractive things in guys:

1. Being in constant need of a girl. Guys that always need to be with a girl just to find an assured source of happiness, to feel accepted and/or to refrain from the feeling loneliness.
2. No sense of individuality. Having no overall confidence in choosing what they’re into. Instead, they are instantly easily-influenced by certain people of how to dress, the type of music, lifestyle, etc.
3. Being oversensitive & emotionally weak. Guys that are unable to control their emotions & comes off as being the ‘girl’ in the relationship. Those who gets too attached to a girl too soon & claims he’s in ‘love’ although it’s just pure infatuation.
4. Having low-standards. Basically, guys who go for girls just because they’re attractive — disregarding & totally oblivious about their inner characteristics, morals, & values.

summer ♥

Reuniting with old friends you truly missed. Complaining about the horrible foot tan that’s forming because of the flip-flops you wear everyday. Making plans to go to the beach every week. Randomly showing up at people’s houses just because they have a pool. Staying up watching movies all night. Wearing sunglasses as a daily accessory. Not having to worry about any homework or projects. Sleepless nights of endless conversations with the most amazing people. Constantly craving something cold because of the heat. Waking up at any time of the day. Meeting new people from everywhere and getting along with them right away. Wearing nothing but tank tops, shorts, skirts and dresses. Busting missions to places just to see certain people. Making plans to go to Six Flags and Disneyland. Occasional water fights at the park. Always seeing someone you know at the mall.

Oh summer 2010, I’m so ready for you. BRING IT [:

fake a smile

& no one will ever know. No one will ever know how damp your pillows got because you cried yourself to sleep. The emotions that stir up your system when every little thing reminds you of him. It’ll remain a secret. Curve those lips into a plastic smile so you can cover up your vulnerability. Wipe that tear off before anyone catches a glimpse of it. Walk it off like it was nothing and brush your shoulders off like you don’t give a fuck. Conceal the pain until your make-up is make-believing. Hold your head up high and pretend there’s nothing wrong. Be strong, don’t crash. Keep yourself together. Because in the end, people would kill to see you fall.

To tell you the truth,

The person I see in the mirror is someone completely different from who you see. All I can see are flaws. Problems that I want to fix, but just can’t. They take over my mind and confidence. But my smile, it might not be the prettiest, or nicest, but it covers up everything. All the insecurities, pain, and problems I have aren’t noticeable. When I smile, it’s all gone.

guys are assholes.

if you argue with him, you’re hard-headed.

if you’re quiet, you don’t care.

if you call him, you’re too clingy crazy.

if he calls you, he says you should be happy.

if you don’t love him, he’ll try to win you.

when you do love him, he leaves.

if you don’t fuck him, you’re a tease.

if you do, you’re easy.

you tell him your problems, he says you’re irritating.

if you don’t, he says you don’t trust him.

if you lecture him, you just want to argue.

if he lectures you, it’s because he ‘cares.’

if you break a promise, he doesn’t trust you anymore.

if he breaks it, it’s because he had to.

if you cheat, he expects it to be over.

if he cheats, he wants another chance.

they’re all basically the same.

guys drink to forget about girls; girls drink to think back about the guy.

when guys are in love, they become poor; when girls are in love, they become pretty.

guys can forget, but can’t forgive; girls can forgive, but can’t forget.

when guys are heart-broken, they try to forget about the girl by going out with another girl;

when girls are heart-broken, they try to find his characteristics in another guy.

guys wish to be her first love; girls wish to be his last.

i wish i can go back in time and fix all my mistakes

because right now im not learning from them . these mistakes are getting worse . im skipping more . doing other things more . i dunno . is it the crowd im hanging out with now ? is it just one of those things a teenager goes through in life? i dont know , but what ever it is . i want to stop but for some reason its bringing me back . help me stop please ? i dont want to be an addict when i get older .

"A man who wants to make a relationship work

will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your place to do it in person... If he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately, he's just no that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you."

Insecure.

Usually my self-esteem is pretty good. I’m satisfied with how I look and how I present myself. But then I get those days when I just feel ugly and, get ready for it, fat. I know, I know. “You’re not fat! Your freakin’ normal!” This is me speaking the absolute truth: No, I don’t think I’m obese but I do have a belly and I’m out of shape. Anyways, my self-esteem goes down so low when I see all these pretty girls, with nice bodies, and it doesn’t even seem like they need to try to look good. I become so insecure that I put myself down.

I didn't change.

I grew up. I accepted that things don’t always go my way. I found out that I will not always agree with other peoples views. I stopped letting people push me around and I stopped believing in what other people believed in. We can’t always be happy, and I learned that too. In general, I accepted reality. Life happens.

I'm not going to be that girl you keep running back to anymore.

I'm not going to sit around waiting for something to happen. I'm not going to always be there when you need someone to kiss up to, when all the other girls leave. If you ever decide to come running back to me, think before you fuck things up again. I can't say I'm happy with every little decision I've made, but I guess it's for the best. Best believe, I learned from the best.

I can’t be with a guy who’s too nice.

I just cannot and will not. I don’t want a guy that I can easily have my finger wrapped around. Being able to depend on you for certain things is nice, but I’m a good girl, I could handle not all, but some things on my own. I want a guy who isn’t afraid to mess with me because we all know it’s all for laughs. I want a guy who can keep me on my toes. I want a guy to fight back with me when we argue. I want a guy to know when and when not to apologize. I don’t want him to apologize for something that clearly isn’t his fault. I might sound a little crazy, but I like when arguments occur. No I don’t like arguments that happen on the daily. But the ones that test our love. The ones that test whether or not the relationship is strong enough to get past all of what is going on because we both know the love is there and that we mean too much to each other to let it all go. I just want a bad guy with good intentions.

I don’t want a guy to sacrifice sleep just to talk to me.

At least not all the time. If I know he he had a long day and that he’s tired or has a lot to do the next day, I’d rather let him go. No, it’s not that I don’t want to talk to him. It’s just that I’d rather have him sleep then be tired while talking to me. As long as we say goodnight to each other, I am perfectly fine.

I'm a fucked up person.

Yeah, I made mistakes in the past. And you know what? I’m going to continue making them until the day I die. I’m not perfect. I’m nowhere close to it actually. But the thing is, I don’t try to be either.

I admit it, I’m a bad person. But I’m a bad person with good intentions. Give me a break though, I’m human. Just know that people do change. People around us are changing everyday. I’m learning and I’m growing. And at the same time, I’m trying my best to be a become a better person.

The girl you used to know?

Oh, I must’ve forgotten to mention that. She left, just like you did.

Lately I’ve been annoyed with everyone and everything.

People irritate the shit out of me. Even some of the people I normally talk to on a daily basis. Little things piss me off. I just can’t stand being around people nowadays. I just need to get away from here and have my space. Bringing a few people won’t hurt though, but I really just need to get away from this place.

On the real,

I really do need to learn how to love myself before I can love anyone else. My past has a lot to do with who I am today. I’m this insecure girl who doesn’t feel good about herself, because of the shit that has happened before. It shouldn't be this way. I need to work on myself before getting involved.

But then again, shit happens unexpectedly all the time. I found a guy who has patience with me and would like to accompany me on this journey, it's even better.

Friendshit.

I’m fed up with certain people, or should I say certain “friends” of mine. I’m done putting effort into certain friendships and not getting anything in return. So don’t give me that “why don’t we ever hang anymore?!” or that “oh you forgot about me. I see how it is” bullshit. I will not tolerate it, because believe me, I’ve tried to make this “friendship” of ours work. If you know me, you’d know that I don’t easily give on people I care about. I’ll try my best to make things work, but once I’ve had enough, I’m out.

Like relationships, it takes two to make it work. So If you’re not going to meet me half way, don’t bother meeting me at all.

Yeah, I’m stubborn.

Yeah, I’m insecure, emotional, and indecisive. But if you get past all that, you’ll see the girl who’s always been there for you. You’ll see the girl that has a lot of faith in you, and you’ll see the girl who wants nothing but to see you happy.

I am incredibly awkward and negative.

I get attached easily, and I hold on for too long. I don’t like opening up to people. Most 5 year old children can express their feelings better than me. I hide behind my fake smiles. I’m terrified of being hurt. I tend to act older than I am. I’m probably one of the most difficult people you will ever meet. But I can be sweet. I’m a great listener. I’ll guard your secrets with my life. I will never judge you based on your mistakes, and I’ll love you as much as I can. I can be, if you let me, one of the best things in your life.

quooote:

“Trust no player, fear no bitch, be no pussy, suck no dick. People play games & are full of shit. Play the role & be the baddest bitch.”

& this is me.

I’m not the type of girl who runs to everyone when I have a problem. Mainly because I don’t really know if anyone even gives a damn. My expertise? Bottling up my emotions. I can laugh and smile like nothing’s wrong because there’s no use in expressing my feelings. If something’s really bothering me, I may drop a few hints here and there, just to see who’s really paying attention. Not that many so far. It’s okay though. Why? Because I’m used to it. It’s nice helping others with their issues, leaving my own issues on the side like a procrastinator. Maybe I’ll get to it… maybe I won’t.

i hate feeling insecure around my own friends.

it’s like standing next to perfection that you can and probably never will live up to. i know it’s just one of those teenage feelings, and i know it doesn’t affect me that much, but it’s still a feeling someone gets at least once in their lives. i know for a fact that most people do really pay attention to how you dress, how you talk, and even how much of the brains you have academically, and maybe that’s just it. i’m not saying that i’ve never judged someone because of how they present themselves, but even i have my own insecurities, so why bother? call me stupid, call me a bitch, but i’m a girl, i have feelings, and it bothers me, so what?

"She may have perfect hair,

get her nails done, and hang out with the boys... but she also comes home every night, puts on her glasses, ties back her hair, and reads her books. Labels are for soup cans, not people."

confesssion.

i'm extremely jealous of all those pretty girls out there. the ones that eat so much and never get fat. the ones that can tie their hair up not looking in the mirror and still look stunning. the ones that seem to have everything, the popularity, the looks, the guys, the girls, the family, the money, the respect. the ones that can take a simple picture and it'll turn out absolutely gorgeous. cause i'm the girl who will become what i eat, the one that doesn't fit into 00 jeans, the one with half the things, the one that has to take a million pictures just to find an average one.

let me put it into perspective for you.

anything that comes out of your mouth holds no value to my life. it is meaningless and pointless and your effort to bring me down was a very sad and pathetic attempt. i send you my condolences for being so unproductive in life.

i'd rather have a relationship where the conversation’s better than the physical things.

Good vibes, good intentions, good company > your tongue down my throat.

do you get that feeling?

where you just tend to hide everything with a laugh, with a word, with a move, with a smile; because you’re afraid to show what you’re feeling at the moment? they go around asking “how are you” or “how you been”, you just say “i’m fine”. you just can’t seem to put how you feel into words and it’s just complicated, that it hurts so much you just don’t know what to do anymore? well this is the feeling i have as of now. and there’s nobody to turn to, because nobody will never understand the frustrating thoughts that are roaming my mind. nobody will ever understand, nobody.

“be careful who you open up to,

a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.”

I'm the girl

who falls too hard too fast. I'm hard to get along with. I've gotten my heart broken before. I know it will happen again. I don't like drama. But somehow, I always seem to get involved in it somehow. I'm moody. And I know it. I have flaws. And I point them out. I can get rather annoying. I love when he calls me beautiful rather than hot or sexy. Music is my escape from the world. If I'm having one of those days, if my pencil broke, I might cry, don't piss me off even more. I take things too seriously and personally. When people say no offense, I still take offense. I can be your best friend or your worst nightmare. You decide. If I'm crying, I just want him to hold me and say "everything will be okay." Even if it won't.

i like people

who i can occasionally have really deep conversations with and at the same time joke around with them. those are the ones i wanna keep around.

I've been hearing this quote a lot.

"If two past lovers can remain friends, it's either they were never in love or they still are."

It makes me rethink the relationships i kept.

life is a beauty pageant.

Fake smiles are everywhere.

We all spend so much time trying to make an impression on certain people in our lives and sometimes resort to being someone we're not. Some even develop a second personality in hopes of seeing satisfaction from others. It's quite sad, really.

So you made a nice impression on the "judges", and what's left in the end? A little bit of prize money and their contentment? Does being liked for someone you're not make people feel good about themselves these days? It really amazes me to see how many people don't realize that beauty lies within the eyes of the beholder.

i miss the innocence.

in elementary school, there wasn't drama, there wasn't drugs, there wasn't the shit we have now. i wish i could go back but it's too late now because the elementary schools have now been polluted and flooded with our bad influences.

i hate seeing pretty girls.

I can’t help but compare myself to them. The ‘What ifs’ always run through my mind. “What if I looked like her. What if I had her hair. What if I smiled like that.” and I immediately decide that if I did look like her, my life would go uphill in a heartbeat. Sure, looks might not matter, but it’s always looks that trigger stranger-to-stranger conversation. Looks are also a big part of a person’s self-esteem and confidence. So what do I get out of this? Envious feelings and thoughts of my imperfections. I’m gonna be dead ass about this, I feel pretty ugly when I look at a gorgeous girl. Regardless, I’m still thankful of the way God shaped my features. But God, I give you props for making such beautiful women.

blah

I’m tireed of everything, no lie. Valencia is full of bs. I’ve been here way too long. it’s whatever. I don’t really care. I’m tired of seeing your ass. I’m tired of most people. Same shit everyday. No different. I wanna meet new people. I wanna be in a new environment. New everything. This place is getting old. Don’t cha think? Hmm. Whatever. I just need new friends. I wanna meet new people (: just CHILL. Shit. So annoying. Sorry. I’m suffocating. I could really use a wish right now.

i just thought this was the sweetest thing.

"She said that she wanted to get high. He took her to the tallest hill in town. She said that she wanted to stay up all night and drink. He gave her a 12 pack of caffeinated Pepsi and said, “Drink up.” She said that she wanted to shoot herself in the face. He gave her a water gun, put her finger on the trigger, aimed it at her face, and helped her pull the trigger. She said that she wanted to cut herself. He took a Polaroid of her, handed it to her along with scissors, and had her cut it up. She said that she wanted to see her blood. He took her to get her ears pierced. She said that she wanted to cry herself to sleep. He had her watch a sad, romantic movie before bed. She said that she wanted to be alone. He gave her a name tag that said “My Name Is: Alone.” She said that she wanted to have someone there to take care of her, always. He asked when he wasn’t."