looking back,

my lifestyle has changed drastically all because I'm unwell.

i used to want to look beautiful even if i was only going to the shop, i used to go out most evenings with so many people, i used to talk to and like everyone, i used to not let boy hang-ups get to me, i was the strongest person i knew. i literally battled through every insult and bad news to keep myself going.

now i don't recognize myself in the mirror most of the time. i have good days and bad days. on the good days i still don't recognize myself. I'm paranoid about how i look, and if everyone will notice things about me are different. i find it hard to express myself to anyone, and when i do I'm scared of how they will react. I'm really scared all the time. I've become defensive. i cut myself off from so many people who i know aren't good for me, leaving me with very few people in my life. i hardly go out anymore; I've realized hardly anyone in my life is a true friend. well, really, no one is.

I've never felt so alone in all my life; no matter what i do i just get more and more scared that it ll feel like this forever. what if it is like this forever. i just don't know.

i wish i meant something to someone, i really do. it would make this a hell of a lot easier, feeling like i don't belong to anyone or anything makes this so much harder for me to get through. but I've realised, I'm not that important to anyone; even my most closest friends, they'd let their egos and ignorance come between us. and what does that leave me with? it leaves me with no one.