do you ever wonder why

i'm laughing with a group of friends one second; but two seconds later i have a distant look in my eyes; three seconds later i have no track of the conversation; four seconds later i wish i was anywhere but there; five seconds later i'm forcing the smile back on my face pretending i know what's going one, when really i'm too caught up with all the thoughts in my broken head.

I always told myself I wouldn’t be like this.

I would be fine; I wouldn’t fall into these traps. But I may have this time. I read this and the words are screaming my name. Delete the meaning of this and just put my name by it and it would make sense. Why, why, why? This is your god damn fault, you broke me. No not a person. This world. It’s eaten away at me like a virus. Taking me slowly till finally I am too weak to do anything about it and just take it. I am weak.

i was using my friend's tumblr and came across this.

why i want to lose weight.

because i want to look cute with a belly ring.

because i want to look good in that little black dress.

because i want a cute butt.

because i want to sit down and have my stomach still be flat.

because i don't want to have a muffin top.

because i want a successful before and after picture.

because i want someone to think i'm attractive.

because i want to have confidence.

I guess you can say I like him.

I mean I smile whenever he texts me and I look forward to seeing him. But it’s one of those situations where you aren’t very attatched yet. You’re dreading the moment you fall for him because when you do you’ll start to expect shit. And when shit doesn’t happen, your heart starts to break. No one wants a broken heart.

I want to

-stay up late till 3 am talking on the phone with you.

-text you all day without the conversation dying.

-get to know you like no one else has.

-go with you to all of your favorite places.

-cuddle up on the couch late on a friday night and watch movies.

-fall asleep with you.

-hold your hand.

-be there for you when you need somebody the most.

-be the one you open up to.

-I want to be that girl you fall in love with.

I see a pretty girl.

I look at her photo and stare at it for a while. Then I start to compare myself. I detail to myself about how much better she looks in so many ways. Fuck, I know it’s not good, but I can’t help it. It’s all out of envy. That’s when I start to lose confidence in myself.

I'm the kinda girl that may be mad at you,

but will still want you to call me to say good night. The kidna girl that doesn't give up on someone I care about. The kinda girl that will stick with you through thick and thin. Even if it hurts me.

I can’t promise you a perfect relationship

without arguments over our differences and trust issues, however, I can promise you as long as you’re trying I’m staying.

This.

"Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You’re deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who broke your heart. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you. "

We all screw things up,

I screw things up. Especially with the people I love. I get needy, I get moody, I get distant, I want to be too close. I get confused; I don’t understand all of it. But I keep pushing because I hope in this thing, the universe, there’s no way I’m the only person out there who wants something this bad. If I want it, someone else out there must too.