I feel so bad when I push people away, but I can’t help it.

I’ve made so many amazing friends and I know that we can become closer than just acquaintances, but my trust issues keep holding me back from that. I feel like a horrible friend for not constantly checking up on them like I should. I know I can be a great friend at times because people have told me that something about me made them want to open up to me. They told me that I help them through so much and trust me, I’m so happy that I do. It’s just that with my past and everything I went through, it’s difficult for me to get too close to anyone. I’m sorry for being a bad friend. They know I care, I just can’t show it often for reasons that I can’t even understand myself. It’s hard for me to open up the way they can open up to me and I feel like I’m not giving them the 50-50 friendship that they deserve when I’m so protective of myself.