i'm starting to feel like i can't carry on the way i am.

i've tried really hard to get through everything and overcome whats happening, but i realize tonight that i can't. i just can't carry on with a life like this. i don't know how to change it, i've tried so hard but everytime it changes, it get worse. it feels like if i'm happy, my happiness is immediately removed, im scared to be happy. im scared of who makes me happy as well, because someone who makes me happy can easily make me just as unhappy.

my self esteem is lower than it has ever been, and its low already. i just sit and wish that i was someone else sometimes, thats unobtainable. if i could, i would change everything about me. people can be nasty about me but what they dont realize is that i already know what they're saying is true. i dont need to be told. i know i have huge cheeks, i know my hair is flat, i know that i'm fat, i know that i don't dress impeccably, i know that im not beautiful, i know i talk too much, i know i say incredibly dumb things, i know i contradict most of the things i say, i know i'm hard to love, i know i push people away, i know i talk about myself excessively, i know i can come accross as harsh when im just being truthful, i know im a pretty awful person. i dont need to be told. i know it all. people dont realise i hide behind a lot of myself and really want someone to see through it all.

i thought i had gotten past everything but clearly i really haven't, but no one can ever be here to say stop. and thats what i need, so much. i need something to show me i'm worth something before i start believing it. i feel so unloved and unappreciated. i spent so much time loving and appreciating, but i've exhausted it all.

i have no faith anymore. i dont know what to do. im scared.