I’m one of those girls

that doesn’t want to feel needed, but wants to feel wanted.

You say, “I dont want to lose you.”

But then you say, you’re not gonna be here waiting for me. & That you’re not gonna chase after me. So, do you really not want to lose me?

speechless.

"Look, you’re in high school, you’re young, you’re a freshman. You have tons to experience, and boys shouldn’t matter. Instead of dealin’ with all this bullshit, drop it. Move on and look forward to better things. If a nigga is makin’ you emo, then fuck his life. He’s nothing. Don’t give up on love either. You’re a beautiful young lady who anyone would love to be with. You just haven’t found the right person. But don’t go looking for that right person. Wait, be patient, and something will come along."

I’m so tired of being tired.

Why can’t I just get away for the weekend so I can forget that I was so tired of life and love and people and family and stress and the feeling of a bad feeling and guilt and everything.

I swear,

once you see my friends, you'll see I'm the unattractive one.

how can you like me? i don't even like me.

i have problems with trust, commitment, finishing things, remembering important stuff, overreacting, being a hypocrite, i can't ever sleep, i have mood swings, and i'm very insecure.

If I had the option,

to take pills and pills and drink so much alcohol that my liver would run away from my body, to smoke until I couldn’t feel, couldn’t think, couldn’t care, trust me, I would. I wouldn’t give it a second thought. If it meant not being able to feel or think, even for just a while, I wouldn’t hesitate one bit. Nobody knows what those monsters in your head can do to you, they claw and scratch trying to come out, and you fight so hard to keep them in because you know if they come out that it wouldn’t be pretty. After a while feeling and putting on a fake smile all by yourself and crashing alone, isn’t worth it in the end. Not feeling is just so much more easier.

Sometimes, Its always easier to say you don’t care.

Instead of explaining every reason why you really do.

I think most people ask how you’re doing,

just so they can tell you how they are. None of them really give a shit. Chances are, they just want you to smile and say everything is fine so they can talk about themselves. No one really gives a fuck about how you’re actually feeling.

I like guys who are motivated.

The fact that they already have good plans for their future is comforting. It shows that they’re going somewhere in life. They’re not the type of guys who just go, “oh, fuck this.. I don’t give a fuck.” & only focuses on partying and just having fun. I mean, they could have fun & party, and all of that. But there’s a time for fun and a time to be serious. Hopefully they know the difference.

I know I should talk to you and ask you how you’re doing.

And I really wish I could. But it has just occurred to me that we’re strangers now. You don’t know me anymore, much less want to, and it’s okay that you’ve moved on. I know that everything’s different now. I’ve been staying strong.

I don’t understand

how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it’s easier than working things out.

I will always be there for my friends.

But at times I wished they noticed that I needed the same help in return.

pointblankperiod.

• “No wonder why you’re single.”
• “Why are you going out with ____?”
• “You can do better”

That’s straight disrespectful. You don’t know a person’s life story and what they do. Their choices are their choices. if it was a mistake then they’ll learn from it cause everybody gets hurt. Opinions like that are unwanted when it comes to someone fighting for something/someone they love. Like Momma said “if you dont have anything nice to say then dont say it at all.”

i had to.

I hope you wake up one morning and be like -

"Damn, I miss her."

I've got a fake smile on my face

and many people seem to smile back. They probably believe that I'm happy. Either that or they just don't care that I'm not.

Eventually broke down today.

Then started beating the shit out of my room.

Why does everything in my life just fuck up?

Like the slightest things irritate me. I hate people. Their voices. Their presence. Their breathing.

I hate summer.

Everyone is too happy and the weather isn't even fucking good.

It doesn't make sense. By this logic, everyone should be happy in winter too. But they're not. Everyone in winter- "IT'S TOO COLD. I WANT SUMMER."

I ignore texts.

I let the phone ring. I log off of Facebook chat. It’s nothing personal, but people need to realize that sometimes I just don’t want to talk.

not gonna lie.

I don’t like sharing friends (x When I have a really close friend that my other friends don’t know about, i would like it to stay that way. Because who knows, say if they met and they suddenly clicked and got super close; closer then me and that person, it’s like I been replaced. And that person would rather talk to them than me :P Sorry if that’s selfish.

looking back,

my lifestyle has changed drastically all because I'm unwell.

i used to want to look beautiful even if i was only going to the shop, i used to go out most evenings with so many people, i used to talk to and like everyone, i used to not let boy hang-ups get to me, i was the strongest person i knew. i literally battled through every insult and bad news to keep myself going.

now i don't recognize myself in the mirror most of the time. i have good days and bad days. on the good days i still don't recognize myself. I'm paranoid about how i look, and if everyone will notice things about me are different. i find it hard to express myself to anyone, and when i do I'm scared of how they will react. I'm really scared all the time. I've become defensive. i cut myself off from so many people who i know aren't good for me, leaving me with very few people in my life. i hardly go out anymore; I've realized hardly anyone in my life is a true friend. well, really, no one is.

I've never felt so alone in all my life; no matter what i do i just get more and more scared that it ll feel like this forever. what if it is like this forever. i just don't know.

i wish i meant something to someone, i really do. it would make this a hell of a lot easier, feeling like i don't belong to anyone or anything makes this so much harder for me to get through. but I've realised, I'm not that important to anyone; even my most closest friends, they'd let their egos and ignorance come between us. and what does that leave me with? it leaves me with no one.

It sucks, you know.

When everything is doing fine then, it all crashes again?

And the worst part is, I really don't want to try and put it all back together again, but I have to.

I'm a realist.

I'm a romantic.

I'm an indecisive piece of shit.

I hate feeling like I’m some sort of back up plan,

or a second thought. Honestly, some people only appreciate you more when you’re about to leave, walk out, when you’re sincerely fed up with everything. But once they get you back, they get the satisfaction for a bit, and then start caring less, start appreciating you less because they think you’ll always stay. Well, that isn’t always true. Appreciate someone while they are still there, not when they’re gone.

i have 3 lives:

1) my own.

2) the one that haters make up.

3) the one that my parents think that i have.

i miss being able to call someone "baby"

i miss being wanted, i miss kisses and hugs, i miss always having someone to talk to, i miss holding hands, i miss the company, i miss our relationship, i miss you.

Please.

I want to be desired, I want to be interesting, I want to travel the world with the drop of a hat, I want to go to great places, do good things and achieve everything that I set out to.

I want to be around people that are just like me but different, to find love and happiness to make the most of my youth and to not feel like I’m wasting it.

I just want to live. I don’t want to feel sour inside. I could shout at the top of my lungs and not be heard.

I just want someone to know without me having to tell them.

THERE HAS TO BE A PERSON IN THIS WORLD THAT I CAN RELATE TO.

No one understands

how much hurt and anger I have bottled up inside of me. I can't take it sometimes. I'm way too young to be this frustrated with my life.

it's none of your business.

I don’t care what you’ve heard, what you think about the situation, it’s not your place to have a say. Every side has their story. And might I add, you’ve only heard from one.

Love?

Love, love, love.

What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.

So here's the truth.

I still think about you 24/7. I still wake up thinking I would still have you in my life. I still sit there and think about everything that happened between us. I really don’t want to, but things just remind me of you. Of us. Do I still want you? I don’t know. Do I wish we would have done things differently? No. Why? Because when it all comes down to it I did have the best time ever. Despite the fighting. I still, to this very day, never get why I gave you a million chances and you never actually gave me the time a day. I did pick fights with you, but I wanted to see if you “loved” me enough to put up with it. Yeah, maybe I went overboard sometimes. You just were so quick to give up. You weren’t the one who had to go through all the doubts and second thoughts whether or not you’re telling the truth, I did. And after a while, I didn’t know what to believe. It was really hard. I wanted to believe you, but everyone else thought differently. You didn’t even know. Even if we were good and happy I would still be paranoid that the next day you would change your mind and do something stupid because you couldn’t have the same feeling for longer than an hour. Yes, I always thought about the negative, but that was only to protect myself. Thinking of the worst case scenario could help me not get hurt when something bad did happen. When you really look at it, I sat there and watched you fuck up your life because I was so into thinking you’ve changed so I put a blind eye on every wrong fucking decision you made.

Like honestly who was there for you all the time? Who would wake up at 3 in the morning just to hear your voice and what you had to say? I was there to listen when you were going through horrible things with your family. I always tried to understand why you were being moody. I always forgave you for everything. I mean I could never be mad at you in the first place, but still. Who was always there? Although I was there for you, I always second-guessed that you were never serious when you told me you loved me, that I was pretty much why you even try in school or anything really, and that you were scared to lose me. I guess I did fight with you a lot to see if there was back up to those empty promises. The sad part about all of this was I thought you were gonna be different with me. I actually did somehow believe everything you said. I remember everything and it’s really sad that I do. I don’t know anymore.

I believe one of the toughest situations

you can be ever faced with is deciding whether you should just move on or hold on a little tighter. Move on, and maybe you’ll lose a chance at the best thing that could have ever happened, or hold on and have the possibility of your heart being broken. And unfortunately, i have to make this decision.

Have you ever been angry or sad,

to the point where you just break down at home in your room? Your parents don't know because you keep the tears to yourself, and you cry silently. Your friends don't know because you talk as if you're fine and dandy. Well you're not fine and dandy, and you know it. No one really knows how you feel and they have their own lives to deal with, so you don't bother telling them. You bottle it up and store it with the other problems or troubles.

I’ve made mistakes in my life.

I’ve let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve. But, I’ve learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I’ll know better next time and I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.

Dont get involved with me.

I’d toy with your emotions and I can break your heart within a blink of an eye. I wouldn’t even mean to.. sometimes I just.. do that. I’d tease you, not sexually, but emotionally, which will suck for you. Some days we won’t even speak. Sometimes, I won’t reply to you right away. I’ll keep you on your toes, but not for too long. I’d push you away occasionally, but I can reel you back in, in about ten seconds. What’s even more messed up is.. I know how it feels to be treated this way.

This year went by so fast.

I think I remember what I was doing a year from now. It’s absolutely different from what I thought. Wish time would slow down just a little...

Why is it that

the bad memories are the ones you remember the most clearly, with every single detail, as if it happened yesterday,

& The good memories are the ones that you try so hard to remember?

Just because you like something, doesn’t automatically make it better than what everybody else likes.

Get over yourself and respect other people’s opinions.

Trust me, I know how it feels.

I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you, waiting for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart, for everything to hurt so bad you just want it all to end. I know exactly how it feels.

i like how sleeping next to someone

means more than sex sometimes. it’s the body’s way of saying “i trust you to be by my side at the most vulnerable time.” you have no defenses when you’re asleep, you tell no lies.

i don’t know what to do anymore;

with my life, with myself, with anything. i miss how everything used to be. why did i have to screw everything up?

not every girl wants to be in a relationship.

some just want good company, a guy to vibe with, converse with, & laugh with. not in a rush. start off simple, and let the rest find itself. having someone to talk to and feeling comfortable around them is quite beautiful, and it’s a good feeling.

It baffles me how anyone could love me.

But I'm so infinitely grateful to the people who know me and still love me even through my ups and downs, and it's for them I'm trying to make myself a better person, worthy of their love. And in turn, I am trying to show them how grateful I am by talking more and expressing my feelings. I have a bit of a problem with that.

I'm 15.

I don't understand everything, but sometimes I'll pretend that I do. Yes, I'll roll my eyes and my vocabulary is broader than you think... I'll make mistakes more than once and I won't listen to you. I have a hard time making my way through life. I'm not perfect and I'm not gonna apologize for that.

Even though I know it's over,

I still stare at that phone wishing it would ring. I want you to call and tell me it's not over for you either... That you made a huge mistake. But who am I kidding? You're doing fine while I sit here and wonder. Every time I think of how easy it was for you to walk away, I die a little more inside. But it's whatever. I don't even know what I'd do if you actually did call. After all, I had my reasons as to why I wanted to know where our relationship stood. Unfortunately, that ended up to the "break" which we both know is permanent. No more "us" even in the fall.

Ha, this. When we were still together.

She thinks about you non-stop, and you’re all she talks about. When she talks to you she always has that bright smile, and truly looks happy. With one hug you make her melt and always leave her with butterflies and at the same time, when she’s upset your usually the reason. But she refuses to see any flaws in you. And no matter how many people try to tell her different, she believes your perfect for her and worth every second of the wait, and she’s too scared to tell you any of this because she doesn’t want to mess anything up. And doesn’t want to end up hurt, once more.

too bad i did get hurt.

I never wanted to become another girl you had a "thing" with.

I never wanted to be someone you used to know. I never wanted to see you look at another girl the way you used to look at me. I want to be the girl you fall in love with and never find another girl to replace. I want to be the girl you grow up with and share the best memories with. I want to stay as the girl who everyone thinks you're going to end up marrying because of how perfect we are together. I honestly thought we would last, I thought wrong.

My parents don’t even know the real me.

They don’t know how many tears I’ve cried. How many nights I spent waiting for a call. How many times I’ve been hurt by some stupid boy. They don’t know that their “little princess” has grown up.

Just because

I don’t want to hang out with you and your new best friend and her friends , doesn’t mean you both have the right to flip out on me. I know them well enough to know that they’re not the kinda people I’d chill with. Bottom line, you can’t make me like them, be friends with them, let alone hang out with them. So do us all a favor and take your head out of your ass and realize that you can’t push me to become friends with people I don’t like.

bet.

you probably won't remember half the things i'll never forget.

Sometimes, you have to try not to care,

no matter how much you do. Because, sometimes, you mean nothing to someone who means everything to you.

This should be the every guy’s bible.

“i promise i’ll be a good man. that i’ll always listen, to every word that you may say. no i won’t neglect you, but only respect you, and give you the love that you need, babe. please say that you love me. please say that i’m everything to you. please say that you miss me. as much as i miss you. now baby, believe me. i gotta be everything to you. and baby just trust me. i swear this is the truth.”

Damn,

I'm mistaken for a flirt when I'm friendly.

I'm mistaken for a bitch when I'm frank.

I'm mistaken for sad when I'm quiet.

Quit assuming and get to know me.

Even though I've "stopped liking you,"

every time someone mentions your name, my head turns right towards them. It's like every time I hear it, I think of all that we could have had and all that could have happened that didn't.