Sometimes you need to be alone.

Sometimes, you just don't want to be comforted. Because you need the chance to take it in. All that has been, all the pain left behind. The best cure is time on your own to analyze, time to pull yourself together again and time to see that all you ever wanted is now nothing but a fading memory. Time to let it go, and time to start again.

I'm happy when I'm with my friends.

But when I'm home, alone in my room, everything hits me. That's when the waterworks set in.

It's cute when

you stare at me until I look at you and when I catch you staring, you don't look away super fast like guys usually do but instead, you make a cute funny face at me to make me smile. Hahaha. Derek <3

I thought he was this guy.

a guy out there was meant to be the love of your life.

your best friend. your soul mate.

the one you can tell your dreams to.

he'll brush the hair out of your eyes.

send you flowers when you least expect it.

he'll stare at you during the movies. even though he paid $9 to see it.

he'll call you to say goodnight or just cause he is missing you.

he'll look in your eyes and tell you,

"you're the most beautiful girl in the world"

and for the first time in your life, you'll believe it.

____________________________________________

-Nicolas Sparks.

After we stopped talking, I tried so hard to fight for myself and stay alive.

To make sure that I would never miss you. That I would never give in to the thought of wanting you back. To believe that I was better off without you. I kept myself busy, tried new things, and reconnected with old friends. I began to build myself into an independent person. Sometimes you cross my mind and I wonder how you were able to move on so quickly. Then those memories came back and I remembered how happy I was. I know that I could never change you but a part of me wished that maybe, just maybe you would see me as THE girl, not just another girl. But you're still the same person that you were when I met you. I don't think that you'll ever change your ways. Even if you dated another girl, I just wanted you to see that losing me was the biggest mistake that you ever made. I'm not lonely. I'm not weak. And I know that everything happens for a reason. But for now, all I want is some closure. I'm not ready to put myself out there again. And if I ever do, I'll make sure that he won't be like you--at all.

I want you to remember me someday.

I want you to remember our conversations at some random moment, and I want you to feel a stabbing pain go right through the middle of your heart and for that fleeting moment in time, I want you to feel like I did.

I wanna say I'm not like this anymore.

But I can't. I still am. I'm still love sick. I block out everyone. I feel so tired, because I haven't slept in forever. I know he'll be in my dreams but I don't wanna stay awake laying in my bed crying either. I'm starving, but I can't eat because I'm craving him and every memory just leaves me with a bigger whole in my heart. Even my clothes remind me of him; what I wore when we hung out. I can still smell them all over him, even though his scent hasn't been there for long. I wish his scent would be stuck on me, but I know I'd be pulling my skin to get him off of me. I'm online, he signs on, and I just want to scream at him to go away, but I just watch the screen waiting for him to say anything, but then he signs off and I tear myself apart for not saying anything to him. I stop talking to my friends, and they get worried and try comforting me, but they just make me feel worse because they think they know, but they don't have a damn clue.

People have scars.

In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scare, but some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere. And though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers.

I'm not a little girl anymore.

"For anyone who's ever betrayed me, intentionally hurt me, or two-timed me, I'm not going to dwell on trying to make your life miserable and tell you I'm going to fight you. No, better yet, I'm going to sit here and tell you, karma is a motherfucker and you'll get yours."

The Truth Is...

I'm scared. Scared out of my mind. I'm scared of trusting the wrong people. I'm scared of getting hurt all over again. It terrifies me that every single person that I let into my life could and possibly will do something that someone in the past did to me. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I wish I could give these new people an easier chance to earn my trust. I wish I could even give people from the past another chance, but I'm too scared to let my guard down. I don't know what to do aboyt it, I'm sorry.

I'm single

& very much tired of bullshit. I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I want to find a keeper, someone who will treat me like their priority & not their option. Ugh, how much longer do I have to wait?

Haven't been myself lately.

I know I haven't. Sorry, but I just can't. I can't do it. I finally got away, I finally escaped the pain - I never thought it would happen but it did. And now, I can't just go back to you. To everything, I can't just turn around and walk back to when it took so long for me to pluck up the strength to
turn my back and leave in the first place. I can't do this to myself all over again, so I'm sorry, but I can't.

hm,

Every girl needs a man. You know, the kind that'll treat you right. The kind that has enough respect for you & is willing to change, just to be with you. The kidn that searches for you will all his heard & that can be trusted in a room full of beautiful girls. Every girl needs a man who won't cheat on her because he knows she's got all that he wants & needs already. He won't mind calling you early in the morning just to say good morning or late at night to say good night; maybe even sing you a good morning song & tell you a bedtime story or talk to you until you fall asleep. This guy will be the kind that'll do anything for you, even if it's to just go to the store & buy your favorite kindd of candy. He would defend & fight for you & wouldn't bail on you for his friends when you need him most. The kind that won't leave you lonely & wondering; the one that calls you surprisingly, even if he's out with his friend, to tell you that he loves & misses you a lot. The kind that isn't afraid to smile to his friends every time you're around and tell them, "She's the one". The kind that appreciates you for the things you do for him, even if they're little. The ones that actually thank you for the little love notes you leave him, waits for you when you're falling behind, & opens doors for you. Every girl needs a man who will take you out on dates once in a while & buys you flowers just because it's a Wednesday. The kind of guy that notices your hair when you just got it cut or done beautifully for him. He would remind you that he loves you & that he's happy to be with you, just in case you forget. The kind taht just doesn't want want kisses & hugs, but to actually be loved & to lobe. You deserve a guy that will call you beautiful instead of hot, who kisses your forehead when you're down, tells you to be strong & not to cry, & when you do cry, he'd cry with you when times are hard. The kind that will go through thick & thin with & for who you. The kind that just loves you for who you are & not for who you aren't and loves you because you're his favorite girl in the whole wide world.

i was thinking of him as i was writing this,

but i doubt that 'we' will ever be.

12760.)

You call me your best friend but it seems that the only time you want to hang out with me is when nobody else wants to deal with you.

Wow,

I used to know you so well...

Have you noticed that

we're always waiting for something. It starts when you're a child; sitting in front of the oven waiting for the cookies to bake. It's knowing that you've done everything right and now all you're waiting on is the reward for your hard work. It's in your teens, when you're engrossed in "happily ever after" syndrome - waiting for your prince charming to come and sweep you off your feet into the sunset. It's when you're eighty, slowly opening your eyes and feeling the world engross you in its entirety. Waiting for that moment, the moment where you close your eyes and the pain disappears - waiting for heaven to take you away. Throughout life, we're taught to wait; we are taught patience, love, and compassion. We learn that life is about waiting, it's about staying positive and looking forward to the future, no matter what may come our way.

I'm fucked up to you now not because I hate you but because I miss you yet I refuse to let my guard down for you again.

I'm mean because I can't handle letting you get your way when you don't deserve it. I'm so sorry taht it hurt you but I have to do this for myself. I can't keep getting hurt just so you can get what you want. Yes, I still care about you but I'm over whatever it is taht we had. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.

But when i look in the mirror,

"I see a girl who's been through so much, and yet, still finds a way to
smile at the past. She still loves with all her heart, or what's left of it. and
when you see her walking in the hallway, i can guarantee you she'll have her
head up high, faking a smile just one more time. And for all those people who
try to break her, trust me; you never will."

Hopefully

SMY.

I hate looking at myself and realizing that I don't like what I see. I hate looking back at things I did and wondering why I was like that.

Everyday, there's something wrong. Just one trivial thing that can make me unhappy for just a moment. It's like it's not even possible to have a day without one bad feeling.

Remember,

All I want is one person. For one person that isn't fooled by this mask I wear. Looking like I don't care. Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean it isn't in my head and thinking about it. One person to force me to say how I really feel.

"Don't waste your time worrying about boys. Boys will come and go. Don't waste your time caring about the people who don't like you. Chances are, you don't like them either. Don't waste your time worrying if people are talking about you. You affected their lives, they didn't affect yours. Waste your time with friends. Live for the moment, laugh often, be immature, do anything and everything. If it's something you'll regret in the morning, sleep late and when you wake up, laugh about it with your friends, cause your friends are what matters most. When you have friends, you have everything.

no one.

you need no one to validate your self worth.

Along the way, I've learned that you can't let anyone in too far and you can't trust endlessly. The biggest mistake you can make is to care or love someone more than yourself, because then you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. Boundaries are necessary so that you can protect yourself, because once you're broken, you'll never be fully fixed.

Late night phone calls.

Don't you just miss the days where you hear someone's voice before you go to sleep? Or just waking you up in the middle of the night, just cause they miss you like that? Don't you just miss it overall?

I should be used to it.

Does it ever feel like nothing you do is ever good enough? Like, the whole world has turned its back on you. I do. Sometimes, it feels like I'm on top of the world. But then, I look down and realize it's only a step ladder. It's like a 5-year-old coloring a picture. She works for hours and hours on it, but in the end, all we see are mere scribbles. You probably think I'm stupid, don't you? You're probably not even listening to me. It's all right. I'm getting used to it.

the perfect guy for me.

Who wants the perfect person? Not me. I don't want anyone perfect. I don't want anyone normal, that's just boring. I want someone weird. I want someone unpredictable. I want someone who lets things slide and who loves to laugh and make me laugh. I want someone who will be crazy about me, and isn't afraid to let everyone know it. I want him to be able to tell me to shut the hell up when I am bugging him. I want someone who challenges me, in every way. I want someone who puts up with my shit, but isn't a push over. I want someons who pisses me off, but I can never be mat at, but perfect? That's one thing I never want, maybe just perfect for me.

Just keep your faith.

"When we were little, life worked perfectly. No matter what happened, everything turned out alright in the end. Scraped knees, canceled play dates, dropped ice cream cones---we would cry for a short time, but by the end of the day, everything would be perfect. And now as we've grown older, we've lost the faith as we stumble through each day, crying over broken hearts, lost friendships, and lost dreams. It seems like life and perfection have turned their backs on us, but really its just that we've grown up. As children, we didn't pay attention to such details about our daily lives, but now we are more aware, and little details seem to be amplifying our pain. But just remember that when we were younger, life was hard too, but we had faith in perfection because we could look past faults. So don't lose your faith. Learn to know that each day will pass, each heartache will be mended, and everything will be perfect in the end.

Just keep your faith."

never believe people's fronts.

Just because she comes off strong doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying and even though she acts like nothing's wrong, maybe she's just really good at lying.

I like to pretend that everything's alright. Because when everybody else thinks you're fine, sometimes you forget for a while that you're not.

After a while, you learn the difference between holding hands and falling in love. You begin to learn that kisses don't always mean something, and promises can be broken as fast as they are made, and sometimes goodbyes really are forever.

So this is when we finally learn the meaning of change.

You do the things you used to be against, you date the people you thought you never would, and you befriend the people you used to hate. You'll learn what it's like to have your heart broken, to lose a friend that truly meant something to you, and to feel as if everything is really falling apart. There will be times that your life seems so absolutely horrible it feels like it's not real. Despite all this, good things will come too. You'll make the most amazing friends that will be there for you even when they probably shouldn't. Your broken heart will heal once you find the most perfect guy you've ever met and just as nothing else can go wrong, things will only get better. There will be the days you are so happy and the days that you feel like dying. Drama happens, gossip goes around, and people talk shit. Maybe this is just the teenage years, maybe it's life, or maybe this is just what growing up is.

She let you go even though it broke her heart.

But just know she wont be coming back to you. She doesn't want to make the same mistakes. She doesn't want to cry herself to sleep every night. She knows she deserves better now and she has moved on. She needs you to accept this for what it is. How do I know? Because "she" is me.

~

Don't ever waste your time on someone who does
not appreciate you the way you should be
appreciated. Don't ever settle for mediocrity,
for being just an option, for being the one
who is always there desperately waiting, for
mere concern or pity or for someone who
likes you just because he knows he's got
the power to break you. Don't settle because
deep down, you know who you are and you
know without a doubt that you deserve
better if not the best.

Dear You,

Response to last post;

"But if you're burying your feelings deep inside you, you won't be your real you, will you?"

November 6, 2009

"No matter how much I feel, I'm not going to let it out. If i have to cry, I'm gonna cry on the inside. If I have to bleed, I'll bruise. If my heart starts going crazy, I'm not gonna tell everyone in the world about it. It doesn't help anything. It just makes everyone's life worse..."

910.

I thought you were different from the rest. Thanks for proving me wrong.

DON'T THINK.

DON'T FUCKING THINK. BECAUSE

WHEN YOU THINK, YOU

REALIZE JUST HOW

FUCKED UP EVERYTHING

REALLY IS. YOU REALIZE

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW

YOU GOT WHERE YOU ARE,

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE

YOU'RE GOING, AND YOU

DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

ANYMORE.

i really wish i can just stop thinking.