confesssion.

i'm extremely jealous of all those pretty girls out there. the ones that eat so much and never get fat. the ones that can tie their hair up not looking in the mirror and still look stunning. the ones that seem to have everything, the popularity, the looks, the guys, the girls, the family, the money, the respect. the ones that can take a simple picture and it'll turn out absolutely gorgeous. cause i'm the girl who will become what i eat, the one that doesn't fit into 00 jeans, the one with half the things, the one that has to take a million pictures just to find an average one.

let me put it into perspective for you.

anything that comes out of your mouth holds no value to my life. it is meaningless and pointless and your effort to bring me down was a very sad and pathetic attempt. i send you my condolences for being so unproductive in life.

i'd rather have a relationship where the conversation’s better than the physical things.

Good vibes, good intentions, good company > your tongue down my throat.

do you get that feeling?

where you just tend to hide everything with a laugh, with a word, with a move, with a smile; because you’re afraid to show what you’re feeling at the moment? they go around asking “how are you” or “how you been”, you just say “i’m fine”. you just can’t seem to put how you feel into words and it’s just complicated, that it hurts so much you just don’t know what to do anymore? well this is the feeling i have as of now. and there’s nobody to turn to, because nobody will never understand the frustrating thoughts that are roaming my mind. nobody will ever understand, nobody.

“be careful who you open up to,

a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.”

I'm the girl

who falls too hard too fast. I'm hard to get along with. I've gotten my heart broken before. I know it will happen again. I don't like drama. But somehow, I always seem to get involved in it somehow. I'm moody. And I know it. I have flaws. And I point them out. I can get rather annoying. I love when he calls me beautiful rather than hot or sexy. Music is my escape from the world. If I'm having one of those days, if my pencil broke, I might cry, don't piss me off even more. I take things too seriously and personally. When people say no offense, I still take offense. I can be your best friend or your worst nightmare. You decide. If I'm crying, I just want him to hold me and say "everything will be okay." Even if it won't.

i like people

who i can occasionally have really deep conversations with and at the same time joke around with them. those are the ones i wanna keep around.

I've been hearing this quote a lot.

"If two past lovers can remain friends, it's either they were never in love or they still are."

It makes me rethink the relationships i kept.

life is a beauty pageant.

Fake smiles are everywhere.

We all spend so much time trying to make an impression on certain people in our lives and sometimes resort to being someone we're not. Some even develop a second personality in hopes of seeing satisfaction from others. It's quite sad, really.

So you made a nice impression on the "judges", and what's left in the end? A little bit of prize money and their contentment? Does being liked for someone you're not make people feel good about themselves these days? It really amazes me to see how many people don't realize that beauty lies within the eyes of the beholder.

i miss the innocence.

in elementary school, there wasn't drama, there wasn't drugs, there wasn't the shit we have now. i wish i could go back but it's too late now because the elementary schools have now been polluted and flooded with our bad influences.

i hate seeing pretty girls.

I can’t help but compare myself to them. The ‘What ifs’ always run through my mind. “What if I looked like her. What if I had her hair. What if I smiled like that.” and I immediately decide that if I did look like her, my life would go uphill in a heartbeat. Sure, looks might not matter, but it’s always looks that trigger stranger-to-stranger conversation. Looks are also a big part of a person’s self-esteem and confidence. So what do I get out of this? Envious feelings and thoughts of my imperfections. I’m gonna be dead ass about this, I feel pretty ugly when I look at a gorgeous girl. Regardless, I’m still thankful of the way God shaped my features. But God, I give you props for making such beautiful women.

blah

I’m tireed of everything, no lie. Valencia is full of bs. I’ve been here way too long. it’s whatever. I don’t really care. I’m tired of seeing your ass. I’m tired of most people. Same shit everyday. No different. I wanna meet new people. I wanna be in a new environment. New everything. This place is getting old. Don’t cha think? Hmm. Whatever. I just need new friends. I wanna meet new people (: just CHILL. Shit. So annoying. Sorry. I’m suffocating. I could really use a wish right now.

i just thought this was the sweetest thing.

"She said that she wanted to get high. He took her to the tallest hill in town. She said that she wanted to stay up all night and drink. He gave her a 12 pack of caffeinated Pepsi and said, “Drink up.” She said that she wanted to shoot herself in the face. He gave her a water gun, put her finger on the trigger, aimed it at her face, and helped her pull the trigger. She said that she wanted to cut herself. He took a Polaroid of her, handed it to her along with scissors, and had her cut it up. She said that she wanted to see her blood. He took her to get her ears pierced. She said that she wanted to cry herself to sleep. He had her watch a sad, romantic movie before bed. She said that she wanted to be alone. He gave her a name tag that said “My Name Is: Alone.” She said that she wanted to have someone there to take care of her, always. He asked when he wasn’t."

Everyone thinks I’m really happy

and bubbly and that I brush off insults and get over it… but really, I’m just so angry on the inside. It’s starting to overwhelm me.

Wow, tonight I noticed how unhappy I really am and how I’m just trying to cover it all up.

It’s quite sad actually. I’m finding all this stuff to keep me busy when really, I’m just trying to distract myself from realizing my dissatisfaction with life. I’m not happy and I think I need to keep pretending that I am. It’s better than having people ask me what’s wrong constantly when I really just don’t want to talk about it because I know they don’t care anyway.

It doesn’t even matter anymore, I don’t even matter anymore. You don’t matter much either.

So fuck everything, I’d rather be left alone than be used or taken for granted. I’m not only here for you when you need something. I’m not here for you to talk to when you’re bored. I’m not here for you to come to only when you “feel like it”. Fuck you if you’re going to be like that. Get the fuck off. I don’t need you.

Do you know who your friends are ?

cause i think i don't anymore .

There’s a huge difference

between someone who listens to you and someone who hears what you’re saying.

Because people can’t be straight forward enough.

I think I’m old enough to handle the truth. I already knew there wasn’t a Santa even though my parents kept telling me I better be good or I won’t get shit for Christmas. I knew there wasn’t a tooth fairy, because every morning I woke up, my tooth would be on the ground, chilling.
I don’t need to be running on false hope, because it’s definitely a waste of my time. I’m a big girl, I can handle big girl problems. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, because I’ll get over it. You act like I haven’t been hurt before. I picked myself up before and I can pick myself up again.
All I’m saying, be straightforward and I’ll be understanding. Easy as 1, 2, 3.

People say I’ve changed so much.

Well, here’s the honest truth: I grew up. I stopped letting people push me around, I learned that you can’t always be happy.

You know,

I just wanna let you know, that I never felt this way about anybody else, I think I love you, so don’t think I’m crazy when I tell you this, but if you ever hurt me, I’ll fucking kill you.

I liked you better when you were a nobody.

Check your ego before it gets so big, you lose yourself.

Don’t you hate it when people make a joke about you,

about something that you are actually incredibly insecure about. And they don’t realise it, but every laugh feels like a stab in your chest, because it hurts so much and brings up memories you’d rather forget. But you can’t say anything, because then people would know your weaknesses. They’d know how insecure you really are. So instead you just laugh it off, and hide the pain you feel inside.

You know when you see girls

that are so devastatingly beautiful that it feels like your heart is about to stop? That’s what I feel like when I look through pictures of girls online, or pictures of most models really. I just get this sudden sinking feeling that I will never amount to anything because of the way I look. I will always be “average looking.”

Don’t you hate how your waiting for that text

…and it’s been hours since they’ve replied? But you don’t want to seem clingy and text again? Cause your scared your gunna fuck it up but if you don’t you think you lost your chance?

i have that guy.

i have that close to perfect guy. the one who loves my flaws & looks past them. the one who stays on the phone with me until i fall asleep. the one who goes out of his way to make me happy. the one who treats me amazingly. the one who gives me the butterflies every time i talk or look at him, the one who makes me into a better person. i'm very thankful to have him. hopefully i won't let him slip through my fingers. i will probably never forgive myself.

No girl should be penalized for wanting to be glamorous and beautiful in classy clothing.

It probably does more for them, then any person can. Let her dress however she wants. Don't like it? Don't look at her.

I want a boy who will tell me when I’m being stupid.

Who won’t baby me with his words. A boy who will still give time to his friends. A boy who will tell me ‘No’. He will watch stupid movies with me, but makes me watch his favorites also. A boy who’s willing to drop everything to be with me, but knows when to let it be. A boy who will know he’s important to me, but won’t mind when I change my plans to help someone out. I want a boy who’s enjoyable to look at, he doesn’t have to be gorgeous. I just want someone who I can pay attention to. A boy who will randomly bring me food, cause he knows I love to eat. A boy who can make jokes about me, a boy that I can laugh with. Someone who wont mind when I even embarrass myself. A boy who will buy me something, something I would actually want, none of that jewelry crap. Someone who doesn’t do everything I ask but when it comes to something important I can count on him to be there. Someone who I don’t feel threatened by. A boy who has other friends that are girls, but I can trust him with them. A boy who will know when to leave me alone when II have my stupid fits. A boy who I can just sit with. I don’t need the whole fairytale deal; I just want to feel comfortable.

Find a real guy:

A guy who won’t give up on you, who will keep chasing you ‘til he gets you, who will keep doing the things he did when he was chasing you, who will fight for you and your love, a guy who will not only tell you he loves you, but shows it.

i have friends i can trust with bits & pieces of my life.

there’s no one i can trust with my life completely. no one i can trust with all my deep secrets.

Stfu.

You’re not cool, you’re not pretty, and you’re so fucking annoying. Get over yourself and stop trying to fish for compliments. I don’t even know why you piss me off so much but you do. I swear all I wanna do is punch you in the face when I see you around school. Fuck you.

when i’m with you, i feel so comfortable.

i love it when your fingers intertwined with mine. your arms around my sides. your fingers stroking my back. i love being able to put my head against your chest. i love it when you would just hold me. i love sitting on your lap. i love giving you little pecks on the lips when no one was watching. i love just smiling at you. i love hugging you. i love how silences between us weren’t awkward.

i love walking with you.

my hand in yours, our fingers intertwined. my shoulder bumping into your arm, making stupid faces at each other, playful arguing. it feels like we really are a couple.

You ask me why I like you,

and it’s really something I can’t put into words. Maybe it’s because you make me happy most of the time. Maybe it’s because you know how to keep a conversation with me. Maybe it’s because you got me thinking about you before I go to sleep, and after I wake up. Maybe it’s because I can be myself around you. Maybe it’s because you bring the best out of me. Maybe it’s because I can spend hours on the phone with you talking about the stupidest things. Maybe it’s because I can never get enough of you. Maybe it’s just because your just being yourself, and I’m slowly falling for you.

I'm sorry

I'm not the best with words and that I can never find the right thing to say at the right moment, but you scare the hell out of me whenever I think of how vulnerable I could be and what could happen if I opened up my heart.

being single is fun...

but when it comes down to it, i want someone who i can make heart shaped pancakes with strawberries for. i wanna be able to be close to their mom and knock on their door with a smile on my face. surprise him in bed and celebrate those month anniversaries. because i’ve never had a solid relationship before. it’s always been nothing serious. i think i’m really in need for a change…

You don't know

what goes around in my house. You don’t know what goes around after school, where I go or what I do. And you don’t know squat shit about what happens when you don’t see me. So don’t go runnin’ your mouth and make like you do.

What I learned after a while is that you don’t need anyone else in order to survive.

Everybody is always going to disappoint you at one time or another. The only person you should depend on is yourself. No one else is always going to be there for you, no matter what they promise you or what they say. You just have to suck it up and accept it because life goes on.

I want someone

Who won't care that I'm incapable of sitting still

That I can't grasp the concept of cleaning

And I refuse to be ladylike

Someone who realized

That half the decisions I make

Are usually ones I regret

And I have the right to overreact at any given moment

I want someone who knows how completely insane I am

&& He wouldn't want me any other way.

"I don't need a friend

who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better."

"I don't need a friend

who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better."

The worst feelings in life:

- Being told that someone is better than you.

- Knowing that you're being lied to.

- Letting yourself be beat down.

- Crying had.

- Losing someone close.

- Watching yourself fade away.

- Falling apart because you're alone.

- Being alone because you're falling apart.

- Hating yourself.

- Not being good enough.

- Being told that she's prettier.

- Being mad at someone because you're mad at yourself.

- BEst friends falling apart.

- Being told you are fat.

- Breaking up.

- Falling out of love.

- Being used.

- Being made fun of.

- Changing for someone else.

- Realizing that he doesn't love you.

- Falling asleep alone when he should be next to you.

i felt like i had to post a counter to the best feelings in life post.

Who wants the perfect guy?

Not me. I don't want someone amazing. I just want a guy who keeps me from running out in front of a moving bus. Not normal either, I want absolute crazy. I don't care if he's the hottest guy in the world, I just want him to make me laugh. I want him to be crazy about me in every single way and doesn't care if everyone knows it. Someone who would kiss me in a crowd full of people and say "I just had to do that, now." I want a guy who will tell me to shut up when I'm getting on his nerves. And is laid back, lets things slide, but isn't a complete pushover. I want someone who has the guts to say I love you and really mean it. Who will walk me home from school, holding my hand. But no, I'd never want perfect. Well, perfect for me.

what ifs.

What if this time, I don't say hi first?

What if this time, I don't text you back?

What if this time, I leave you wondering?

Yeah what if this time,

you're the one left feeling completely fucked over.

You wanna play the game?

It's like this:

You play around, you have fun, you share secrets, you tell stories, you cry on each other's shoulders, you hold hands, you think about forever.

But you don't fall in love.

Because the first one who does, loses.

Honestly,

I'm scared to get too close to people. it seems that every time i get close to someone, they always have a reason to leave later on. maybe its fate teaching me that life goes on, or maybe i just trust the wrong people.