Observations & Opinions

You know what makes me sad? Seeing these cute couples that are so ‘in love’ for a long time and then all of a sudden, they break up and both of their lives come crashing down. It seems that in the beginning, life treats you so wonderfully and you get so excited that you start to think it’s just going to keep getting better but it just ends up getting worse and worse until it results as an unhappy ending. I’m not trying to be negative here but think about it, how many couples do you see breaking up on a good note? Barely any. You’re probably wondering what do THEIR relationships have to do with me? Well.. The way I see it, the happy and healthy couples that seem to last are the ones that keeps my hopes up of being in a relationship such as that in the future. I know that no relationships are perfect, but I myself believe in soulmates. I believe that there is someone out there who you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with, but I don’t think you should be going out there and finding them. I think that if it’s meant to happen with someone, then it’ll happen. But on a different note, something else that I always ponder upon is why so many people bother using the word ‘forever’ when they never actually even mean it. You know, I HATE the word ‘forever’ actually. It’s one of the most meaningless bullshitted word that’s ever been used. ‘Love’ almost beats it, but it’s not quite there. Because from what I see, a FEW people actually mean it when they tell someone that they love them. But who am I to say? I don’t even know what love is. And I think the reason ‘love’ is overused and abused so much is because a lot of those people using it don’t even know what love is either. It sickens me to see how desperate some people are to find love nowadays. You know why? Because you’re not supposed to find love, love is supposed to find you.

Aww.

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of that phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly facinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane."

-John Green, Looking For Alaska

+++

Please know there are much better things
in life than being lonely or liked
or bitter or mean or self-concious.

We are all full of shit.

Go love someone just because,
I know your heard may be badly bruised,
or even the victim of numerous knigings
but it will always heal,
even if you don't want it to
it keeps going.

There are the most fantastic, beautiful
things and people out there,
I promise.

It is up to you
to find them.

nice weather we're having.

My ideal weather. Oh, how I wish it's always like this in California.

September 11, 2009

So today was just amazingly hilarious even though it's supposed to be a sad day. So I woke up pretty early since my brother woke everyone up at 5 in the morning. i took a shower, picked out a cute ish outfit, straightened my hair, put make up on, and all that stufff. then i went to school with simone running away with my ipod. She still has it too. so she's keeping it for the weekend. well anyways, i had 1st period science with krystall. we were freaking out about our turtle project, but we thought of a trash bag project insteead. so that was good. we did a lab with our safety goggles. i looked like a total nerd. oh jeeeez. okay then at brunch me and katryna were just walking around. then when the bell rang, derek walked me to class. but we saw tyler. he didnt even walk his girlfriend to class and it was like right there. then tyler saw us, so derek put his hand around me, tyler starteed freaking out saying "Why didn't youguys tell me?!" then i went to p.e. we had to run a half mile under 6 minutes. i got 5:45 or something. then we did square dancing. that was sooo bad. i hate my group. thank god we get to pick our partners next class. well yeah that was an hour of torture, then we got to change and go to lunch. that was boring. i got a portrait . it was actually pretty good. then we voted for ASB elections. then i saw derek's portrait and bratt told me to tell him to get it, so i went to the soccer field since he was playing with mr. kallin. and theeeen, the bell rang. i got yeajean to walk to me yearbook since derek's class was on the other side of the school. and theen, yeah that was boring. we were just thinking of theme ideas. people said that i should speak up more often cause my ideas were really good. but i'm nott sure if we're using them. and then yeah class ended, i got a camera for bowling later. i was looking for simone and derek. cause simone had my ipod and derek because i needed to tell him something. so i asked tyler if he saw them he said no. then he was like " i know you guys aren't really going out." and i just looked at him. then he was like "but i know something's going on between the two of you." i said there wasn't. but he said "oh come on isabella, just tell me. i know something's going on. you guys hang out 24/7, he walks you to your classes, you talk to each other ever waking minute, you're on his myspace top." all i said was that nothing was going on. cause there really wasnt. i told derek all about it, but then his dad called and i had to go to katryna's. then we went bowling with infinity. that was pretty fun. i learned how to jerk! cause of katryna and alec. ahah. so thankful. then yeah. i got 5 strikes. :)

09.09.09

The three day weekend was so freakking long. I was actually looking forward to going back to school. Tuesday was a pretty good day. In Period 6 english, Julia and I got 17/20 on our grammar quiz. I freaking B! Well, at least everyone else got a C or lower. LMAO. Then we got into partners. So I was with Derek. Oh joy. That was very interesting. Haha. Then we got into our reading groups. It was me, Julia, Brooke, and Derek. We pretty much didn't even work. So we got rushed to think of themes for "Charles". It was alright. And then in advisory, I was sitting by myself. Loner much, rightt?! No friends in that advisory. Sucks ass. Anyways, all of us are supposed to split up on Tuesdays and Thursdays cause of Mrs. Kim's math thing on those days. She originally put me in Slayback's advisory, but Hannah's there. So after class, Emily and I asked if I could be in Bratt's and she actually said yes. So I'm gunna be with Katryna on Tuesdays and Thursdays! (: Oh and Julia (: Haha. Okay moving on. Well, during brunch Zach got expelled for "raping" avery. It wasn't exactly rape. He does it to everyone. But whatever. All his parents had to say was, "At least we know you're not gay." Like seriously?! WTFF. Then I had Social Studies next with KRYSTALL, julia, katryna, emily, and danielle. We studied so much during brunch for the pop quiz. but since katryna begged mr. bratt, he didn't give us one. I still rememer the stuff i had to memorize in 10 minutes! That class wasn't very fun. But Jagger and Nathan kept bugging me for answers :D Kay, then lunch. nothing really happened. OH yeah, i was wearing a Toy Story shirt with michelle! we were walking around showing people that we match . lmao. that was fun. and then the torture class... ALGEBRA 1. We got new seats. I didn't get to chose since she put the tables by threes and assigned the girls on each ends and let the guys pick where to sit. The good thing about it is that i sit behind danielle and brooke garelick. And sit next to brooke kipperstein. BUTTT tyler freaking morad just HAD to sit next to me. Whoopdidoo. That was pretty much hell. We were fighting for the first half of the class. then we got our test results. he got 102% and i got 99%. how very sad. I always get a higher grade than him! how did that happen! omfg. okay well he felt really bad about it, so he was comforting me and putting his arm around me and shieet. then for the next half of the class, we were apparently "flirting". He kept touching my leg, smelling my neck, holding my hand, touching my ass to get my phone, and calling me baby. isn't that nice? Mrs. Kim also saw everything. But I was really upset about my grade and he put my head on his shoulder for like a minute. But then we started fighting again about how he doesnt know when my birthday is. the last time we went to the movies cause according to davis, "he was paying attention to something else." ahaha. then we started fighting about when we're going to ms. mchorney. then about kayla. then about other random crap.
then the day ended with jake walking me home.

You are always so confusing

do me a favor and make up your mind, please? it would definitely make my life so much easier. the things people say to me are sadly accurate. however, they’re not changing my mind; you have to.

"Just because somebody flirts with you, Doesn’t mean they like you. Just
because somebody likes you, doesn’t mean they wanna go out with you. Just
because they wanna go out with you, Doesn’t mean they love you. Just because
somebody loves you, Doesn’t mean they won’t hurt you. Because people lie, things
change. boyfriends cheat, & “Bestfriends” ditch. And there are always gonna
be those people who would kill to see you fall."

The Boy Problem

So… Wanna know what I noticed?Relationship-wise, Once I’m DONE with a relationship, I’m instantly put into another WHEN I’M NOT READY. What’s up with that? And when the relationship starts to head DOWNHILL, I try to do the obvious by sticking around, making it work. The sucky part about that is, as the guy’s being a little punk, another guy who has potential comes around, but I don’t even bother because I’m too busy trying to stay FAITHFUL when my guy could be mackin. I DON’T GET IT. I’ve BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, yet I still put myself through it because I like to think I can handle it a little better than last time because this guy is different.

Face it, sometimes, we don’t let go until they really fuck us over. We let go of them, but not the memories, those which carry so much meaning.

There comes a time when I do look back and smile however. Times spent with those guys who, at the time, were the center of my attention, are priceless.It makes me so confused to know them as a wonderful friend, to a heart-throb, and then into your worst enemy, the one who can make you feel like shit and then their NUMBER ONE just like THAT.

I think it’s crazy how you can spend twice as much time moping and wishing to be with them once it all falls apart rather than when you were with them at the time. Personally, I take the longest to get over a guy. You can’t expect me to be fully single, because a part of me still misses the most recent guy. It’s no wonder why I end up confused and really insecure about this new guy because I end up making myself think that he’s somehow connected with the most recent. In the end, who’s right? You guessed it, the girls.

I don’t ‘experiment’ or ‘play the field’ or whatever, they’re just a lucky dime that I happen to pick up. It’s like making a dollar out of fifteen cents. That dime just happens to last me for a long time until it burns a hole in my pocket. But think about it, if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t have had all the better guys come along the way.
It's a win/lose situation.

Guys frustrate me. They’re sneaky, mean, lovable, irritating, irritable, stubborn, weird, lazy, careful, careless, un-aware, you name it. Not ALL guys are like this, but I’m just saying, a handful of guys are.

I’m either rushed, not ready, or too scared to be in a relationship.
I’m not saying I want to be in one, but sometimes it just sucks to look back and see how many times my important relationships failed me. Why?I’m not gonna stand there and be played because I’ve been there, not the best. Because seriously, it’s nothing serious. Why would you die for a moment that will last five seconds and then be ignored for five days? It doesn’t work like that.I want to be straightforward and actually get somewhere, but that’s just asking for too much way too fast. When or if the time comes for the next guy to come along, I don’t know if I can handle it anymore. I’ve handled too much in my history to even care anymore. You see, I gave previous guys most of my heart, time, money, and care, for nothing in return. Whatever I put in, I came back heartless, confused, flat broke, and broken hearted.

It’s funny how in the beginning, I have my guard up and things go really GOOD. Then, when I decide to let down my guard just for a little, everything goes crashing down.I try to make sure nothing like that will happen, it usually works out, but then it just bites me back in the ass when I least expect it.

I’m a woman of my words and right now, I kind of mean it when I say ima be single forever. I said it before, but someone was able to prove me wrong. What happened? You tell me.

What confuses me the most is, WHAT KIND OF PERSON LIKES THE IDEA OF HAVING MULTIPLE LOVERS, LEAVING SOMEONE ON THE SPOT, PLAY SOMEONE IN FRONT OF THEM, MAKING THEM CRY, HURTING THEM INTENTIONALLY, ETC?I NEVER EVER WANT TO PUT SOMEONE THROUGH THIS.Ask me, I’ll tell you what it feels like to be the receiver of such things. Trust me, it’s just brutally painful; words can’t even describe.

For once, I just want to know if someone who really does care, rain or shine, really exists out there for me. I don’t even want to think if I did let that person pass while I was too busy trying to make things work with someone who wouldn’t even give garbage for me.

I just need someone who can prove me wrong by SHOWING ME and STICKING TO THEIR WORDS, letting time go at it’s own pace.
Nothing rushed, no games, no lies, none of that.