do you ever wonder why

i'm laughing with a group of friends one second; but two seconds later i have a distant look in my eyes; three seconds later i have no track of the conversation; four seconds later i wish i was anywhere but there; five seconds later i'm forcing the smile back on my face pretending i know what's going one, when really i'm too caught up with all the thoughts in my broken head.

I always told myself I wouldn’t be like this.

I would be fine; I wouldn’t fall into these traps. But I may have this time. I read this and the words are screaming my name. Delete the meaning of this and just put my name by it and it would make sense. Why, why, why? This is your god damn fault, you broke me. No not a person. This world. It’s eaten away at me like a virus. Taking me slowly till finally I am too weak to do anything about it and just take it. I am weak.